Thursday 24 October 2013

Marriage made in heaven!

Dear Bill.

Not a great deal to report I'm afraid from the back deck on Nb Dulwich Dishwasher.

In a disappointing revelation Sir Asa Haggard-Luke as said "In the, will she won't she guessing game, the 'Grand Poobah' Mrs Antonia 'tonker' Snailes charwoman of the truss has decided to hang on a bit longer." Lady Poobah of course holds numerous exalted offices, including First Lady of the Toilet Key, Lady Chief Junket Organiser, Commode-in-Chef, Lady High Admiral of the ditch, Arch deaconess of Titipu, Lady Mare and Lady High Everything Else. 

I bumped into Roger 'snodders' Snodgrass in the bar of the 'Broken Windlass' he was saying that he had been to visit the dentist. He had been to get fitted with a set of replacement false teeth. The first day after he had his new teeth fitted, he could only talk for an hour before his gums were sore. On the second day, he was able to talk for an hour and a half and his gums were sore again. But today, he had accidentally put his other half, Doris teeth in by mistake and he found that he couldn't shut up.

I called in at Khan corner shop and emporium. He introduced me to a new line in boat paint that he is stocking. The top one was the world infamous MalletRite paint. Which are only available from all the best chandlers emporiums. The paint is provided in two sizes 45 gallon or 210 litre. The keeping to the traditional colour range of mournful red, gloomy green, irate indigo, dingy brown, furious purple, grubby yellow, careworn pink, grimy ivory and angry blue. All are available in matt, dull and flat. New colours introduced this year include heavy black, medium black, pale black and dreary black. All are available in lustreless, lacklustre and lacklustre extra. There is also a self weathering ferric range as well. 

The Memsahib reports that the truss sink fund is in dire trouble following another loss making investment.  The problems stem from the sub-prime lending market and the bailout of British Banks. Uncertainty has now hit the far east markets. In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. It seems that the truss had invested in the Kamikaze Bank. Furthermore, five hundred staff at Karate Bank have also got the chop.

I ran into Digby Snopes. He tells me that he just got married to a very beautiful woman. Apparently she has previously divorced her last ten husbands. Old digs said that on their wedding night, she whispered in his ear 'please be gentle with me I'm still a virgin'. Did you believer her I asked? He said that he asked her 'how can that be if you've been married ten times already?' She replied 'Because the marriages remained unconsummated!.'

Apparently she explained 'My first husband was an Architect and he kept on telling me how great it was going to be. My second husband was a computer consultant. But he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. My third husband was a services consultant. He said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband number four was a project manager, but he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. My fifth husband was a structural engineer. I think he understood the basics. But after three years of research he was still not ready to implement. Husband six was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. I regret marrying husband seven as he was in marketing. Although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Then there was husband number eight, now he was a psychiatrist. All he wanted to do is lay down and talk about it. Husband nine was a gynaecologist and all he did was look at it. Husband number ten was a stamp collector. All he ever did was, was, well you know, but I still miss him!'

Digby asked her 'So why did you divorce the stamp collector to marry me?' She said 'Now that I've married you, I'm so excited because you're a director of the truss and I know you already have years of experience in screwing everything you lay your hands on.'

Well I must run, toodle pip old boy.

Cap't Bob

"The events depicted in this series of letters are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental. No person should without the prior permission of the author assume the identity of any character. These letters are a story that could be based on actual events. In certain cases incidents, characters and timelines have been changed for dramatic purposes. Certain characters may be accidental composites, or entirely fictitious. I was helped in my creative endeavour by my friend's telepathic cat named Huxley. Huxley assumes all responsibility for any mistakes and errors."

1 comment:

  1. Dear Mr Bob,,
    "Not a great deal to report I'm afraid from the back deck on Nb Dulwich Dishwasher." Nothing dull about that old Bean, the "Best Blog post" award has been forwarded forthwith for your forthright efforts. It will be re-tweeted in the Dourly Telegraph, the Partially Independent, the Sun Never Shines, the Daily Snail and several other institutions. A whistleblower from the NHS tells me that due to cutbacks in funding Snodder's replacement teeth were cast in the same oven as the one they use for creating glass eyes. Therefore just in case he does go blind, he can replace a tooth for an eye and vice versa.
    Best wishes, Bill the pill.


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