Sunday, 22 April 2012

Understanding politics and business.

Understanding politics and business is getting harder. The demarcation between politics and big business is becoming more and more blurred. If you have got a spare £100,000 and you can have the ear of the politicians in high office. What do you get for your £100,000 the politicians would have you believe - breakfast or dinner. They would also have you believe its all totally above board.

Here is a guide to understanding how it works, or in reality how it doesn't work!

Socialism:  You have two cows and you chose to give one to your neighbour.

Communism: You have two cows and the state takes both and gives you some of your own milk.

Fascism: You have two cows then the state takes both and sells you some of your own milk.

Nazism: You have two cows. The state takes both of your cows and then shoots you.

Bureaucrat-ism: You have two cows. The state takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

Capitalism: You have two cows.You sell one and buy a bull.Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.You sell them buy a boat and retire on the income.

Venture Capitalism: You have two cows.You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened  at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

Italian Corporation: You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

Swiss Corporation: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

Chinese Corporation: You have two cows.You have 300 people milking them.You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

Indian corporation: You have two cows. You worship them.

Spanish Corporation: You have two cows but owe Santander for 6. Nobody drinks milk.You have a siesta and read about the collapse of the Euro.

Greek Corporation: You lease two cows and pay somebody three times the going rate to milk them using borrowed money. You refinance the four cows to secure the services of Goldman Sachs. They sell the future milk production of the sixty cows and fund your lifestyle.You retire to anywhere that doesn't use the Euro.

British Corporation: You have two cows. Both are mad.

Iraqi Corporation: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.You still have no cows, but at least you are now a democracy.

Australian Corporation: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

New Zealand Corporation: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

Argentinian Corporation: You don't have any cows. But you claim sovereignty over the ones belonging to your neighbour.



  1. Very good, made me smile. You did however leave out one organisation. The Co0Operative movement. This is the one where you have two cows, join forces with your neighbours and put all your cows together. You sell some milk and from the profit buy a bull. The herd increases, milk sales increase and from the profits boats are brought and shared so that everybody has a chance to enjoy the waterways.



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