Saturday 21 February 2015

Spanish News for the English (3)

The 'Spanish News for the English' is a service in support of European Multiculturalism for English Boaters considering a different type of winter break. As an alternative to the more usual ankle, leg or arm due to the inclement UK weather. Due to language difficulties and the unavailability of translation services. There may be one or two small inaccuracies in the news provided.

Dateline Denia: Had a couple of Spanish engineers visit the apartment today.  It only took a month, which I believe is the national average for mañana. Which when added to the frequent coffee breaks and the mid afternoon siesta time taken while recovering from a huge lunch and a bottle of the local beverage of choice El Vino Collapso. It has now become perfectly understandable to us, why there is this 'usual' delay. 

But I digress.

After walking in through the doors and inspecting the balcony. With the usual chatter in a Bulgarian version of Spanish which we now call Spangarian. After a lot of gesticulations and nodding they set about installing the WiFi.  First of all was a three rise set of ladders which was brought round the back of the building. The ladder was split into a two and a one section. The two section was left leaning against the balcony and the one section was carried to the front - up a flight of stairs - and in through the apartment. This single section was set up on the balcony to give access to the roof. The two section of ladder was then manhandled up onto the balcony and joined up again with the single section. (Note the single section was more than able to reach the roof)

A coffee break was then concluded and the two of them left and brought back a small dish from the van. Then they both went back to the van to fetch some tools. On each occasion one person carried the items. (I think this is a bit like when ladies like to go to the toilets in twos.) One person went up the ladder, then immediately came back down the ladder, picked up the dish and went back up the ladder. (It's like when I get to the top of the stairs at home only to be unable to remember why I went there in the first place.) Then he came back down the ladder and picked up a cordless drill. A short while later he came back down the ladder and the two of them went to the van and returned with a masonry drill. There was some drill noise and then the person returned down the ladder retrieved a screwdriver from the tool box and went back up the ladder.

A coffee break was followed by the two of them going to the van and returning with one of them carrying a spool of cable. There was another Spangarian conversation, some pointing and nodding. They both went to the van returning with a small set of steps. One went up the ladder and retrieved the drill complete with the masonry bit. They looked at a small box set into the wall of the apartment. There was another Spangarian conversation, some pointing and nodding. One went up the ladder and brought back the screw driver. The cover of the box was now removed and a hole was drilled through the back of the box to the outside of the building. The cable was unwound from the spool and threaded through the hole and fed up to the roof. The cable ran out before the dish on the roof was reached. They both went to the van and came back with a larger spool of cable. 

A coffee break was followed by the cable being fed up to the roof. The person on the roof came back down the ladder for the screwdriver retracing his steps back up the ladder.  It was at this moment that we heard the insect noise. It sounder like a very large and loud mosquito noise. We looked around but were unable to spot what must have been a megga mozzie. There was some Spangarian comments passed from the person up on the roof. We thought that maybe he had been attacked by the megga mozzie. He returned down the ladder and prepared the cable to the WiFi box which his companion had fitted to the wall. He went back up the ladder, we could hear the megga mozzie again and another Spangarian conversation broke out. Then there was a certain amount of 'left - right' as the dish was turned to get the best signal. The person on the roof returned picked up the screwdriver and went back up on the roof to tighten up the bracket holding the small dish.

It was time to test the system was working. To my surprise it worked first time. There it was an internet signal that lit up all the led lights. There was some nodding, pointing and thumbs up. Which was followed by the return of the megga mozzie. It was so loud I was looking round trying in the apartment to see where it was. When roof person suddenly pulled his mobile phone out of his pocket. The megga mozzie was his phone ring tone. I started to laugh as the absurdity of the situation dawned on me.  He smiled and nodded - The Spangarian conversation on the phone was quite animated.  Then he delivered the coup de grâce, when he pointed at the phone and said 'its the wife.' I was unable to stand up both me and the Memsahib broke out into peals of laughter. He looked on amiably and quizzical at the same time. 

It took a while as the pair of them carried items back to the van. The ladders were broken down into separate parts before being carried down the internal stairs.  They checked around, before leaving in the van. Then returning a short while later for the small set of steps that they had never used anyway. I did not see him bring the screwdriver back down off the roof. So I am expecting the duo to return one day soon. 

Dateline Alicante:  A report in Costa Bugle highlights the way that the Spanish man is changing. The modern man is now embracing many new techniques to assert his manhood as he becomes more sophisticated and enlightened. Typical of this change is the report of a mild-mannered man who was tired of being bossed around by his wife. He consulted a psychiatrist who said he needed to build his self-esteem, and gave him a book on building family relationships through assertiveness, which he read on the way home. 

Apparently the hospital report said that he had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterwards. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?

'The funeral director' said his wife as she introduced him to a heavy skillet.

Now its time for another one in our series on understanding Spanish life.
A husband took his wife to the fairground. The wife wanted to go on the Big wheel, but her husband wasn’t happy at the idea of having a ride. So his wife went on the wheel by herself. The wheel went round and round getting faster each time. Suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband’s feet.”Are you hurt?” he asked.”Of course I’m hurt!” she replied. “Three times around and you didn’t wave once!”

Pasta Lumbago!

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