Saturday 30 November 2013

Hell freezes over

As the cold weather gathers up here, we have news from hell that a chill is also being felt down in the boiler room. Spokesperson Antihales said "A huge glut of condemned spirits entering the after life has necessitated the expansion of the number of boatmen on the river Styx. Not only that, but the traditional nine-tiered system on which hell had been built had now grown insufficient to accommodate the exponentially rising numbers of  those bound for hell."

Adding to the need for expansion, Antihales said "The fact that a majority of the new arrivals possessed souls far more evil than the original nine circles had been equipped to handle. Newspaper executives, advertising executives, tobacco lobbyists, MP's, Chuggers, Solicitors retained by charities, Charity Trustees and Charity officers represent a wave of spiritual decay and horror the likes of which Hell has never seen before."

Despite the ever growing need for expansion, the plan faced considerable resistance, largely due to the considerable costs of construction. However, funding was finally secured in a deal and a Memorandum of Understanding was brokered between the Cycling Angling Rambling Trust finance director and Satan himself. The charity has a large fund available which was created from the spare cash made available by the underspend on the maintenance budget.  

In the period prior to the construction of the tenth tier, many from amongst the new wave of sinners had been placed to share eternity with black marketeers and despots. The sowers of discord, flatterers, morons and seducers. Some had even been placed with the violent and hypocrites. The authorities in hell however, had decided that the new level, to be named the CART tier should be located at the site of the former bubbling sulphur lake at hell's centre, Satan said "It better suits their insidious brand of evil."

Spokesperson Frigax the Vile, a leading demonic presence and one of the most vocal supporters of the new tier said "In the past, the underworld was ill-equipped to handle the new breed of sinners flooding our gates. We were almost overwhelmed with CEOs, focus-group leaders, sales representatives, and vast hordes of pony-tailed environmentalists. But now, we've finally got the sort of top-notch Sulphur canals of doom, which are necessary to give such repellent abominations the quality boiling they deserve." Pausing momentarily to tear off the limbs of an ex charity director, Frigax added, "We're all tremendously excited about the many brand-new forms of torture and eternal pain this new state-of-the-art facility will make possible."

The new tier also features a hall of celebrity dancers, where condemned TV personalities, clad in skin-tight spandex outfits soaked in flesh-dissolving acid, are forced to dance for centuries on end, covered in vomit and prodded with the distended ribs of skeletal, anorexic demons, accompanied by an unending, ear-splittingly loud dance-remix version of the 1987 Stock, Aitken and Watermans hit for Rick Astley "Never gonna to give you up"

"In life, I was a friend of the trust" one flame-blackened crone told reporters. "When I arrived here, they didn't know what to do with me. They put me in with those condemned to walk backwards for the crime of attempting to see the future for the trust.  I've been shrieking for mercy like a woman ever since."

His face contorted in the Misery of the Damned, a Barrister said: "It's hell here there are no executive lounges, I can't get any decent claret, and the suit I have to wear is a cheap  knock-off. Plus, I'm being boiled upside down in lard while jackals gnaw at the soles of my feet. " He then resumed screaming in agony.

Grogar the Malefic, a Captain in hell's elite demon division and supervisor in charge of admissions, said "Hell's future looks bright, thanks to the new CART tier. "Things are definitely looking up. We're now far better equipped, and we're ready to take on the most unholy atrocities humanity has to offer. We're really on the grow down here. This is an exciting time to be in hell."

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