Friday 23 December 2011

Why I am never depressed.

Ah, its that time of the year, Christmas. A time for drinking when you don't feel like it. Eating when you feel stuffed to the gills and having to visit family who are all hungover and distended fit to burst. This is quickly followed by the New Year celebration. Another time for drinking when you don't feel like it. Eating when you feel stuffed to the gills and having to visit family who are all hungover and distended like a barrage balloon from Christmas.

This is called a celebration and a time of enjoyment!

Just had a sneaky peek at one of my presents under the Christmas tree..... A bag of roast potatoes!!!! I can only think that it must be from Aunt Bessie. It makes for a real surprise from my expectations I suppose. Well it's better than that bag of rice I got last year from Uncle Ben now that was a surprise.

The Crazy Gang we call the Government says it is going to do something about the nations "Happiness".  So they asked 4,200 people how happy they are. After spending £2million on an official enquiry to discover whether we are happy, the enquiry has concluded that most of us are. The investigation ordered by David Cameron found that three quarters of us place ourselves at seven out of ten or higher on a scale of well being. At a price of £476.19 per person interviewed. The outcome could have been 100% happy if they had given the 4200 people the £476.19 each instead.  I consider that money well spent.

I believe that men are just a naturally happier people (if the Memsahib is right) what more could you expect - from such simple creatures. Its all down to our outlook on life. Plus the male of the species having an indomitable spirit in the face of adversity.

Post puberty and before marriage a chocolate bar is just another snack. No matter what you do, you can never get yourself pregnant. Farting is a man game and not to be confused with a social taboo. Sex is for fun and not intended to be accompanied by a life altering commitment. Car mechanics will always tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. Same work, more pay. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

When you do get married, your last name stays put. Wedding just seem to take care of themselves. When you buy your home, the garage is all yours.   People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Even your most "stylish" of shoes have flat heels.

You are in one mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know lots of stuff about boats.  You can open all your own jars. You get credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is £1.95 for a three-pack. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. A three week holiday requires only one small suitcase. With the limited leg room on package flights, its the only time you expect to see the wife's ankles around her ears.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, however the parting may get wider. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

Ladies, the men folk are not mind readers. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. If you think you're fat, you probably are, don't ask us. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best and how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible,  please say whatever you have to say during the commercials. If it itches, it will be scratched, we do that. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing" we will act like nothings wrong. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, then expect an answer you don't want to hear. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss boats and pump out v cassette toilets. I am in shape, round for me and pear for you is a shape!

Men hold no opinion about curtains. Women have the "if you need to be told I am not going to tell you

When men want something they ask for it. When women want something they make a point distantly related to the subject and wait for a response. Men use I or me, why should use we or us. Women use we or us when they should use I or me. Its not only women who have the we must name our car gene. Some men look good with moustaches. There are no women who look good with moustaches. Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Women eat curry if they like it. Men eat curry to prove they can. Women go to pee together. Men do not acknowledge, let alone speak, to each other when peeing. Men can write their names clearly in the snow. A man has at most six items in the bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

No wonder men are the happier gender.

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