Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Being a Northerner

Being a Northerner, is not an easy life.  I am a Northerner through and through. Coming from up't north means that we have something of a reputation to live up to. Straight talking, blunt  and very forthright are the main stereotypical characteristics. Flat cap, clogs and a whippet are also included in our mystique. Our case was championed by Last of the Summer Wine, (The green stuff for your southerners by the way is grass) and apparently we all appear to look like Howard.

There are some truths in the way that we are portrayed as having a bluff no nonsense exterior. The crux of the problem is, we were given much more common sense and the innate ability to understand the value of everything. We don't hold that inability against people from the south. After all, drinking warm beer and then paying through the nose for it says a lot. Up north, we treat people exactly as we find them and we don't want to rip folk off.

Yesterday was not a good day, in the main because I had to go down South. I set off in the morning and made my way over to the M1.  Setting my sites on arriving in Northampton for sometime just after nine am. Then into Milton Keynes for lunch time. I am doing a favour for a friend and helping him with a couple of technical support issues on some expensive IT equipment.
Now what I have noticed is, that down south, you lot are not very sociable. Plus everybody runs everywhere and everything must be done as fast as possible. But I don't understand why. Is it something in the water?
Southerners, it seems are without the ability to take their time. Traffic lights are like the starting line if a formula one Grand Prix. They charge off into the near distance where they soon come to a stop at the next set of lights. There is another comparison with formula one - this time rather than have your tyres changed whenever you come to a stop. Down here whenever you come to a stop at traffic lights, some nerd woman with a beard appears from nowhere, starts to wash your screen and then wants to sell you a copy of something called "The Pig Issue".

I went into one of the motorway services, to pay a quick visit to the bog. The name seems to adequately describe the layout, I wiped my feet on the way out. Then I went to the shop get myself a drink. Looking along the shelf I spotted a bottle of "Buxton Water" its good stuff, but then its from up't North so it would be.  However, I can't understand why it would be £1.79 for a bottle of water, when it falls from the sky for free up here. If you Southerners are willing to pay £1.79 for a bottle of water. Then you should carry on buying the bottled water, because if you are prepared to pay £1.79 for bottled water. I can only assume that they must be putting something nasty in the local tap water.

Now, £1.79 for a litre of water that falls from the sky is a tad more expensive that Petrol or Diesel. Why would that be? First you have to get the crude oil. The producers have to drill down thousands of feet to get it. Then its put in a giant tanker and ship it halfway round the world. Then you have to process the crude to refine the fuel. The government then whacks on top a fuel levy, then gives it a double whammy, with VAT. Move it to garage forecourts to sell. It still works out cheaper than a bottle of "Buxton Water".  Now contrast this with the difficulty of obtaining supplies of Buxton Water. First you have to wait for it to rain - which it does most days in Buxton. Then you put it in a plastic bottle.
Now, you tell me, who is the smarter. The southern traffic light racer or the dour northerner selling you water at £1.79 a litre bottle.
Which brings me nicely to the price of beer. Up't north we sell beer in glasses, measured in pints, or half pints, has a guaranteed specific gravity. We like it chilled to perfection and we like it to taste good. Up North you could pay as much as £2.50 for a whole pint of the amber. Contrast this with what happens down south. The beer is warm,  has no measurable specific gravity, tastes like it has been recycled and is served in a half litre bottle at £3.90. Think, light brown "Canal Water".




  1. I seem to have misunderstood, I thought you said you came down south, Milton Keynes is practically Scotland. As for the beer, at least you can drink our beer, don't have to chew it like that northern concoction and guess who owns the rights to Buxton water? Nestle (Sorry my keyboard doesn't have an accent for the final e) Good old northern name eh!
    Heh heh, the south fights back. ;-D
    Keep up the good work, always enjoy the blog.

  2. Ha! I also was going to point out the MK isn't the south!
    But as for the beer, I really don't understand. We like our beer nice and clear, full to the brim with plenty of life and flavour in it... whereas oop north you like it forced through a 'sparkler' (never was something so misnamed) to squeeze all the life and flavour out of it just so that you can have short measure with half an inch of froth on the top and scum all down the sides of the glass as you drink it... so it looks *and* tastes like canal water......


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