Thursday 13 August 2015

Canal Disease.

Is it me, well is it?

I am trying to come to terms with and at the same time getting my head around what seems to be an affliction that strikes down inland waterways boat owners. I suspect the affliction may be water born and also inversely proportional to the lack of boat polishing. So their maybe some evidence of a secondary infection route through over exposure to chamois leather.

It starts with the early onset (which is symptomatically characterised) by  their inability to share a mooring ring or mooring bollard. You can see it everywhere. Those unused spaces between moored boats. What has become euphemistically referred to in medical and boating circles as 'Git Gaps Syndrome'.

Following on from the early onset is the rapid progression into a secondary stage. Which is characterised by a lack of dexterity of the arms and hands when mooring up a boat. Leading to loose ropes and even looser knot tying. What has become euphemistically referred to in medical and boating circles as 'Mooring Numpty Syndrome'.

The third stage is symptomatically characterised by a heightened awareness of even the slightest of pitch and yaw movements. Which is characterised by the spontaneous throwing open of a side hatch and the uncontrolled urge to glare menacingly at any passing boat.  This is usually performed by the female, while the male tends to demonstrate their lack of finger dexterity beyond two.
The standard boating reply to the female is 'Pull your head in - it looks like a cattle truck'.
The fourth stage is characterised by a form of early stage of the Gilles de la Tourette syndrome (GiTS). Often characterised by the rapid and loudly repeated use of the phrase 'Tick over - Tick over'. This often carries over to the next boat to pass. It some cases it can persist for long periods up to full days. This is often carried out in concert or even in competition, between the male and female.

The final stage is the inability to select a mooring spot located away from a bridge hole or bend. Typically spots are chosen by the afflicted where the canal width or sighting line is restricted by over growing trees or some other natural hazard.

The only known cure is to spend a period of recuperation on the northern canals. Where aversion therapy in the form of northern wisdom (Not to be confused with Norman Wisdom) and pithy epithets such as 'how much' will be freely available. This will help with the desensitisation to the affliction which will also be reinforced by each passing sand and gravel barge.

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