Outstanding

Dear Bill.

Well its been some time since my last letter. Because there has not been a great deal to report about from the back deck of the Nb Dulwich Dishwasher. 

However, as is usual the Memsahib is a bit agitated this morning. I thought it might have been down to the bran. However, it's because unlike the elected council representatives to the Canal and River Trust. The bloody nosy busy bodies at the inland revenue have been in touch. They have written to say that my tax return for 2013/14 is 'outstanding'. I have written back to the inland revenue thanking them for their most kind remarks. But to be perfectly honest it was a bit of a puzzle, as I can't remember sending in a tax return in the first place.

Talking about puzzles, I have been for a saunter along the towpath for another visit to Mr Khan's corner shop and emporium of everything. The old Punjabi pundit was his usual ebullient self. He asked me if I liked riddles. I said that it was not something I was in the habit of enjoying. Though I sometimes did the odd crossword when not having a cross word with the Memsahib.  So I said I was willing to give it a go. So he asked 'Why do boaters refer to Tony Hales the chair of trustees at the Canal and River Trust as the A433'. To be honest I had absolutely no idea. But I played along with a few random guesses like 'its the road to ruin'. So eventually I said, 'OK Khan, why do boaters refer to Tony Hales as the A433?' He said, 'it's because he's known as the Milton Keynes turn off.'

I ran into old Digby Snopes another one of the trusts 'secret IWA trustees' down in the bar of the Ferret and Trousers.  He was regaling all with a story about a new young member of the enforcement staff. It seems that a mate of 'Digger' had been in the Lock and Windless for a few sherbert's. Apparently he takes a fishing rod with him, because he tells the wife he is going to see if he can catch a few.  So the man returns back to the marina after his 'fishing trip' and feels the need to take a nap. So his wife takes the boat out onto the cut, moors up and starts to read a book. One of the trusts finest enforcement dudes, being in nick-nick mode comes up alongside. He says 'you're in a restricted fishing area'. To which she replies 'but I'm not fishing'. Dude says 'No, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to issue a section 8 notice.' The lady looking puzzled says 'for reading a book?' No says Dude. 'For being in a restricted fishing area with all the equipment. For all I know you could start the moment I have gone.' He then announced 'Its a section 8 for you.' The lady replies. 'Then I'll have to report you with sexual assault.' Dude says, 'But I haven't touched you!' 'No', says the lady 'but you have all the equipment and for all I know you could start at any moment.'

The Memsahib ran into Ms Antonia 'tonker' Pailes the erstwhile part time charwoman of the bored. She was in Khan's new 'Kut Kabin' down by the lock. She was telling a story about a group of American Surgeons who were enjoying a relaxing narrowboat holiday along the Beirut section of the Rochdale canal.  The surgeons were comparing notes about their favourite clients. The first surgeon, from New York, said 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because, when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.' The second surgeon, who was from Chicago said 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.' The third surgeon, from Dallas, says. 'No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.' The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, said 'You know, I like building workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC, shut them all up when he observed. 'You're all wrong. Its CaRT trustees which are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the arse are fully interchangeable.'

Bugger! I have just remembered why I went to Kahn's corner shop and vintners. It was for a bottle of Chateau à chier soûlerie which is number 2 on Kahn's wine list.

Well I must run, toodle pip old boy.

Cap't Bob

"The events depicted in this series of letters are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental. No person should without the prior permission of the author assume the identity of any character. These letters are a story that could be based on actual events. In certain cases incidents, characters and timelines have been changed for dramatic purposes. Certain characters may be accidental composites, or entirely fictitious. I was helped in my creative endeavour by my friend's telepathic cat named Huxley. Huxley assumes all responsibility for any mistakes and errors."