Are you ready for it?

If you have been moored up in some remote region of some uninhabitable back water you cannot have failed to notice the Olympic games are to be held in the United Kingdom. As it is a national event we will all get to pay. Whoops, its being held in England to be factually correct. Its actually in London to be exact.

This reminds me of the millennium dome, we all in the UK got to pay for that as well. However, the huge white elephant was built in London. Few people actually took the trouble to visit it. So instead of a dozen non PFI “millennium” hospitals or a complete refurbishment of a national treasure such as the “millennium” canals. We got Robin Evans and London got a tent.

In a time of austerity of severe cutbacks in every department of every company, central government and council chamber. We need the Olympic games like we need a second bum. Before anyone says it's to late to change our minds. The games were to be held in Rome in 1908 but the Italians asked us to take over. So the Italians owe us one for a start.

Not learning from our previous experience, we did it again in 1948. This was just after bankrupting ourselves in waging a second world war with our traditional opponents the Germans. Deja Vou or what? Back then we did it for a total cost of £732,000. I wonder what price we will pay this time financial and otherwise.

This time around, there is one small change to the total lack of enthusiasm for the Dome of Doom. There seems to be some sort of collective enthusiasm, albeit a bit on the muted side of indifferent. In a new form of the “Lotto meets Ebay” you get to bid on line for tickets. However, this time you don't get to pick the actual events to watch. You will get tickets allocated in a new form of Hobsons Choice and get used to the idea of enjoying whatever you are given. However if you have a spare £2012 about your person (I wonder who came up with that number) you could buy an opening ceremony ticket. For a bargain £60 you can even stand in a public street (the Mall) and watch some cyclists pass by.

So what will we get for our money.

In reality we will get a huge number of disappointed competitors all busy packing their bags for the bus home. As each event grouping is whittled down to just the final three. Each of the final three competitors will get a bunch of flowers. Each of the final three will get a gong and the remaining two get to listen to an unknown anthem.

What of our nurtured, cosseted and honed to perfection competitors.

Each will be tested on the laboratory treadmills whilst hooked up to a multi-million pound gee wizz MkIII deluxe biotester. Whole indoor arena have been given over to providing for their needs. The crème of our youth will be tuned to the n'th degree for competing against impoverished competitors from the third world. Third World competitors whose daily training regime will be uprated from running once a day to twice a day from one high altitude village to another. Doing this whilst carrying a bucket of food aid and collecting the Nestlé school vouchers for a pair of running pumps.

Will we will come away disappointed again.

As a nation we are very good at doing disappointment. We have that expectation of disappointment, why we would be disappointed if we were not disappointed!  – Why we even say “its only the taking part that matters”. I don't know of a nation that's been better equipped by the media for sporting disappointment. If there was a competition for disappointment we would win hands down. This trendy upbeat of collective disappointment will of course go some way to lifting us from the daily despair of the financial meltdown. Back to the heady heights of doom, gloom and disappointment for our future.

There will be the sporting pundits rolled out to give their expert opinion.

Practising their Perfect Punditry Prose on Piss Poor Performances. Explaining in great detail why our competitors should win. Then explaining why our competitors came to their usual sporting grief. With well worn excuses like its the wrong kind of snow on the lines rather than the others ran faster than us.

Then there is the official event logo. Ours is very memorable and looks like a bad Banksy inspired stenciled graffiti from a canal bridge. I think I first saw displayed on bridge 161 on the Leeds Liverpool canal.

Now the most important pre-event activity of all is gearing up. Bringing the torch from Mount Olympus in Greece via every town and village that can come up with a good reason for someone to run past their front door like some demented pyromaniac.

However, the torch will be guarded from another space woman Helen Sharman “Whoops moment” until arriving carried in the hand of some John Mark look-a-like and paraded round the arena. In 1948 the torch arrived to the traditional downpour of rain. But don't worry, it's already on back order and the torch will have its own umbrella.The torch as it passes along its route will be guarded at all times. presumably to stop people lighting their spliffs.

What of the organisation.

I predict the organisation will end up being judged to be a complete spectacle, Boris is involved and so its guaranteed. The quality of the presentation and the professionalism of the organisation will carry no weight. Its all about the opening ceremony and the lighting of the torch.

Other countries do razzmatazz like its second nature. We do maypoles. Other countries do sporting greats like boxing legend Mohamed Ali to light the flame. Followed a carefully choreographed show with hundreds of school children making geometric shapes. We will probably get Bernie Ecclstone to dance naked round the maypole lighting farts with a branded cigarette lighter.

I am having a great deal of difficulty containing my Olympic sized indifference.

Stop Press
The after event allocation of the venues is also a hot topic of discussion. Certain football clubs are in litigation to try and secure the main arena as their home ground. British Waterways is to benefit from this event give away by being allocated the water from the Olympic pool to top-up the canals. 

Later....