Sunday 28 July 2013

Employ a Monkey

Dear Bill.

Not a great deal to report I'm afraid from the back deck on Nb Dulwich Dishwasher.

I was greeted by Snopes who was spread eagled on the steps of the 'Shoe and Poo'. He asked "Is it an accident that the inner sanctum get it wrong so many times?" The old buffer had I assumed consumed his usual couple of gallons of Australian sheep dip. I replied. "well there is an old anecdote saying 'if you pay with peanuts you only get monkeys'" Which in itself sounds an absolutely brilliant retort. But then when you pause rewind and think about it. You begin to remember what the people at the top of the feeding frenzy in the inner sanctum get paid. There must be a fair few silverbacks up there in Ivory Towers.

Then you have to ask yourself if the anecdote is an anecdote or if you have discovered a new law of physics. However, to be fair, FaRT could make a considerable saving by employing monkeys for the senior positions. Plus the inner sanctum could screen out all the applicants with 'peanut allergies' without actually having to put it on the form.

Our friend and neighbourhood watch commander Mr Khan had reason to go to visit the hospital the other day. He said it was a happy experience being able to consult the doctor in his own native language. Khan said that for him one of the key indicators on global success was the number of foreign doctors working in your country. The down side was all the refugees in France trying to get in to the country to consult with their village doctor. 

It seems that everyone who's spent any time on boats has at least one funny boat story, which I define as a story that (1) involves a boat, (2) is funny, and most importantly, (3) was not funny at the time it happened. The FaRT inner sanctum have dreamed up yet another new wheeze. I'm sure that you will not have heard yet about the new 'false' canal economy. Such as when you spend £1.5 million and reap back a resounding reward of £900,000. In an eye watering directors bonus boosting idea. This is because to FaRT when something initially seems like a bargain of the century FaRT forget the old time worn anecdote 'there is no such thing as a free lunch'. But then its not their money!

Mr Khan in the corner shop and car wash, came up with another idea that FaRT had tried in the 'false economy' which was to 'Invest in Pub Property' We all know that if you can afford it, its a wonderful daytime pipe dream to invest in a really nice canal side pub to run as a retirement investment. However, the reality is that pubs are closing at a rate of 10 a day. But why should FaRT let a bit of common sense get in the way wasting a large wedge!

The Memsahib arrived home from Khan's wine emporium and laundrette with a case of Chateau 'Femme au foyer folle'. This is not an affliction but a Chardonnay of the finest vintage. After she had sampled a couple of bottles it started to become clear where the name came from.

There I was on deck talking to the Memsahib when 'Sweaty Betty' arrived. Do you remember her. She is the one that paid out a fortune for a pair of huge Jordan style bow fenders. She certainly made sure that everybody on the canal got to admire them. 

Well at 10 on Sunday morning 'sweaty' cruised bow first into the mooring next to ours. Not only that but with Betty on the bow displaying her fenders in all their glory, it sort of reminded me of an old sailing ships figurehead. One old boy almost dropped his teeth in the cut as his chin hit the decking. Then the wife gave him an elbow to the ribs that I thought would land him in the hospital. 

Well I must run, toodle pip old boy. My ribs are feeling much better now!

Cap't Bob

"The events depicted in this series of letters are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental. No person should without the prior permission of the author assume the identity of any character. These letters are a story that could be based on actual events. In certain cases incidents, characters and timelines have been changed for dramatic purposes. Certain characters may be accidental composites, or entirely fictitious. I was helped in my creative endeavour by my friend's telepathic cat named Huxley. Huxley assumes all responsibility for any mistakes and errors."

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