Wednesday 15 May 2013

Letters not forget.

Dear Bill.

Not a great deal to report from the back deck of Nb Dulwich Dishwasher. Other than the Memsahib has invested in a large case of chateau 'les goûts aiment la merde'

Somewhere down south on a semi-silted backwater, a rumour has been circulating that a few water gypsies have been overstaying. Mainly on all those empty moorings that are in dire need of dredging. Well it would seem that its all come about as a result, of an alleged bout of "towpath telegraph meets chinese whispers." However, there has apparently been a corresponding surge in the amount of spontaneous trouser combustion going on in Ivory Towers. The fairy tale of choice is that marina bound, chintz curtained, shiny, tidy boat bods have been having an alleged whinge to CaRT about the lack of on demand mooring space being available. Space should be kept empty for as and when they decide to conduct their annual cruise. When you pay for a mooring - its seems you should get first choice on any mooring even the occupied ones.

I have told them in the tower a million times, not to go exaggerating about the lack of availability of mooring space. They have an imaginative reality in the towers that is marginally less convincing than this mornings newspapers. The problem was that some Johnny come lately has had the temerity to disbelieve what CaRT has been saying. Not only that but the cad has decided that there is an antidote to the sudden surfeit of pork pies down in Ivory Towers. Using one of those freedom of information thingies, they have challenged the CaRT figures. 

Well, gosh and golly if CaRT could not find a single instance of a complaint being recorded. Not to be outdone and with a small cluster of ever growing noses. The bods in Ivory Towers have now changed the "substantial number of complaints made" for "It is all down to the murmurings on the cut" with a few "rumblings of discontent" thrown in for good measure. This is a bit like me when the Memsahib asks how many electric soup, drinky poos I have consumed and I say "just the odd one my love!" 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11? she demands. 

In the snug of the Windlass and Ferret there is a story doing the rounds. Apparently, at the recent Chintz boat club festival. The last act of the evening was a mind reader. Who closed her act by reading the mind of the each of the CaRT managers in the crowd. First, she read the mind of the local waterways manager "Wow, look at all the grannies who showed up tonight! I bet they're all here to admire me." Then it was the turn of the area manager. "Look at the crowd! With this many people in the marina, we're going to make money one day!" Then the regional manager: "Yeesh, look at that crowd. and none of them will ever truly appreciate all of my talent. What a bunch of losers." Finally, the national manager: "What can I ever find to avoid doing tomorrow, that builds upon what I studiously avoided doing today."

Bumped into old Snodgrass down in the bar of the "Pump and Bilge. I had an interesting chat with him about life after being made redundant from the old waterways board. He was just enjoying a large glass of "soupe électrique" and started banging on about the local flight. Apparently the fountain generator and boat wash that was masquerading as the lock gates on number five of the Tinsley flight. Has now been added to the stoppage list for next autumn. Its not clear how they will overcome the difficulty of getting a crane into position. 

Old Snodders had a good old chuckle and suggested that they could try one of those Apperley Bridge self inverting, non floating type. I expect there will be several rounds of "blame swapping" going on before they settle that one. One thing about employing those who know nothing about the waterways is that University fits a graduate up with a better class of excuse.  I wonder, how long it will be before the trolly dolly, tea lady gets shafted for that one.

Toodle pip old bean.

Cap't Bob

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