Friday, 2 May 2014

Who will you vote for.

Soon it will be time for the election hysteria to start. Most of us are fairly familiar with the manifesto promises (or lies) of the main parties. The recent drubbing of the Lib Dems by 'Bus Pass Elvis' is a good example of how someone standing on a local issue or with an off-the-wall political affiliation can also catch the public's imagination. Perhaps you would like to register a protest vote then one of the smaller parties may be just for you.

How are you on environmental issues, candidates such as Howling Laud Hope for instance is campaigning on a very laudable environmental issue. Because he wants the Loch Ness monster declared an endangered species.

Some of the political independents are campaigning on more than one issue. For instance if you're have concerns about the rights of zombies. Then there is CURE (Citizens for Undead Rights and Equality)

In the CURE manifesto (published on the party's website) promises include: Give the undead equal rights to the living. Make cemeteries more comfortable for their inhabitants. Implement a robust social integration programme for the undead, curing society of its prejudices. Increase the minimum statutory retirement age to beyond death. Permit marriages of the living and the undead. CURE is also keen to get potholes filled in.

There is the enchanting Captain Beany of The New Millennium Bean Party who has high hopes of capturing plenty of votes with his "beanyfesto" pledges. Which addresses issues such as the environment, health, economy and defence. The New Millennium Bean Party has a comprehensive range of eye-catching promises.

Chewing gum to be collected from pavements and used to fill potholes in the road. Children who leave home should not be allowed to return until they are 40. Convicted drink drivers to have their cars painted bright orange for five years when they finish their ban and return to the wheel. Public officials who are convicted of abuse of office to have their pictures printed on toilet roll packaging.

The Church of the Militant Elvis and Bus Pass Elvis Party have a whole list of pledges, on potholes and moats. Dave Bishop or to give him his full title Lord Biro. Some of the Elvis  campaign policies include:

Manifesto pledge:  A moat around your house to keep out randy footballers, Bono for Pope, Turn public schools into pound shops, Save public lavatories from extinction and fill in the potholes. And if dog-muck everywhere is not your bag so to speak, bringing back the dog licence.

The Monster Raving Loony Party - currently the Monster Raving William Hill Loony party, after a sponsorship deal with the bookies is fielding candidates again.

Manifesto pledge: Three badgers better than three lions, Joining Europe in a big way, by inviting the other European countries to join the pound sterling and then making the entire country a European offshore tax haven. He is also pledging a 99p coin to save on change. All socks to be sold in packs of 3 as a precaution against losing one. Make it illegal for superheroes to use their powers for evil. Ban all terrorists from having beards as they look scary. School dinners must be regularly checked for radioactivity. Dedicated pogo stick lanes on routes to centres of work. Establish an NHS for animals.  More street corners for the kids to hang about on.

Then there is the non pledge party. The NOTA (None of the Above) Protest Vote movement. If you were bamboozeled by the previous pledges. You might want to try a party that admits it is pledge free, because it is a protest vote.

Manifesto pledge: By promising to deliver nothing, I'm the best man for the job I don't want. Louis Barfe says a vote for him is a last resort for when people want to vote, but none of the candidates appeals.

Starting a trend NOTA has spawned the "No Candidate Deserves My Vote" party.

Manifesto pledge: We want a "none of the above" option on ballot papers, when do we want it, now. Thus the disaffected voter can turn out and make a real protest vote.
Then there is UKIP  (UK Independence Party) sporting the party’s ebullient leader Nigel Farage as its secret weapon. UKIP which wants the UK to withdraw from Europe and to reduce immigration. Built on the ethos that the British people must decide through an immediate referendum if we stay in the EU or come out and claw back independent power over our national life. We do not have to be ruled by this regime to work with our European neighbours who depend on us for their markets.

Manifesto pledges: Control Immigration, Business and Employment, Financial Services, Fishing, Farming, Law and Order, Energy and Trade, Foreign Affairs and Tax. Plus a binding local and national referenda on major issues.

There are other political parties such as the Tories who were founded to represent the rich and powerful and now represent the old boys network.  There is the Liberal Democrats who seem to have a death wish. Making promises to the electorate and then doing the exact opposite when given the opportunity. The Labour party has returned from the still smouldering ashes of New Labour where it stole the tory Thatcherite reputation as warmonger and lickspittal for the American President.

Manifesto promises: Uturn Cameron "We don't bother as we never stick to them anyway." Fibber Clegg "We don't bother as we never stick to them anyway." Ed Milliband "Err, what he said, Don't bother as we never stick to them anyway."

In something of a rethink about our political system the Movement for Active Democracy (MAD), would like to do away with the current system of government altogether. Because a handful of people are holding all of our power for themselves.  We want to give you, and every person in Britain, their democratic birthright to steer, block and create policy via referendums conducted from the comfort of their own homes.
Manifesto pledge: We are not telling you what you're going to get, we are asking you what you want.
I think I will vote MAD!

1 comment:

  1. Hey up mister,
    You forgot the current affairs trending gemstone:
    When any politician gets asked a question like "So when are all the potholes going to be filled in?"
    The answer is always the same: What we NEED to do is blah blah...
    a) The problem should've been tackled years ago and hasn't.
    b) "Need to" implies it will happen sometime in the future but it won't.

    A collective version of Political Piffle... The PP Party?

    MP for the PPP?

    Not me!!!!

    Heth the Feth

    [Spoken with much sincerity from a pulpit speed bump somewhere in Birmingham]


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