Wednesday 11 September 2013

Parry Hotter

Dear Bill.

Not a great deal to report I'm afraid from the sun lounge on Nb Dulwich Dishwasher.

Who was it that said "When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show." What they should have said, was when you're a customer of CaRT (Cycling Angling Rambling Trust) you get a front row seat in a three ring circus.

The Memsahib brought home latest edition of the Daily Bugle. (inland waterways newspaper). Complete with an article on FaRT funding. The first thought that comes to mind is the shit is getting deeper and deeper as the management actions become more and more bizarre. The latest charitable guestimate of the accounts have been posted on-line in the 'Narrowboat Bugle.' They don't make for very good reading. Looks like the maintenance backlog is growing and the money is being spent on providing a diet of water voles for the mink!

I bumped into young 'creepy' Crawley, grippers latest apprentice in the snug of the Trout and Pout. The lad had obviously had a sniff of the barmaids apron. Creepy might be described as an impressionable young cove. He was also inexplicably excitable and gabbling on that Prince Harry has ginger hair, just like his dad. It seems that Creepy was reading the latest of those young wizards tomes from JK what's her face.  Now, Creepy is positive that Parry Hotter is a secret sibling member of the royal family. He told me that first there was Prince Charles, then there was Prince William and now there is the new Prince George. He is convinced that the royal family are secretly transforming into the Weasleys. Talk about wizardry, I think someone has certainly been snorting the fairy dust.

Mr Khan down at his corner shop was telling me. "There has been a certain amount of hilarity about the acronym for the Canal and River Trust. It has turned almost into a sport. The acronym CaRT seems to lend itself to summing up peoples opinion of the trust and its ambivalence towards canal users. Some seem to spell out what the user thinks of the way the trust operates and which users it sees as its senior partners."

Sir Asa Haggard-Luke (Minister for the inland waterways) said. "One group of boaters think that CaRT has little regard for their wishes and aspirations. CaRT it seems is concentrating much more on the cyclists anglers and ramblers world with its investments in the towpath. To encourage their use as a long distance walkways, cycleways, and to give easier access for anglers. Whilst at the same time lock maintenance and dredging seem to have stopped." They are now known as the Cycling Angling Rambling Trust.

Lady Henley 'cocky' Cockmarsh (toff trustee) said. "Others highlight the way that users feel the trust is being operated. Typical of the users concerns is the waste of money £73,000 which has been spent on legal services to discipline a canal user. A user who has a disability and who does not have access to the wherewithal to pay. A huge investment in time and money for little discernible return other than to bankrupt an individual. Is this fair and proportionate treatment - make up your own mind." She said that she actually preferred the acronym Canal and River Tyranny.

The Memsahib sent me a text yesterday while she was out with the ladies weight lifting team. The text gave me the go ahead to go out and get shipwrecked with the boys. Then to call in at the Taj Mahal for a Ruby Murray.  Dilip Patel the maitre'd down at the Taj, has done a deal with that old fox, Khan. He has purchased a number of Khan's specialist wines for his more discerning customers. So the boys decided to try one with our meal. It was a nice bottle of Chateau 'Belette Pisse'. I had curried Pelican and I have to admit it was delicious. It wasn't cheap, and you should have seen the size of the bill. The Memsahibs text by the way said the mother in law was coming round for tea today!

Well I must run, it seems that the mother in law draws near. The mice are beginning to throw themselves on the traps. 

Toodle pip old boy.

Cap't Bob

"The events depicted in this series of letters are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental. No person should without the prior permission of the author assume the identity of any character. These letters are a story that could be based on actual events. In certain cases incidents, characters and timelines have been changed for dramatic purposes. Certain characters may be accidental composites, or entirely fictitious. I was helped in my creative endeavour by my friend's telepathic cat named Huxley. Huxley assumes all responsibility for any mistakes and errors."

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