Monday 5 August 2013

No Bad News

Dear Bill.

Not a great deal to report I'm afraid from the side hatch on Nb Dulwich Dishwasher. I was ordered to turn the boat around yesterday so that the Memsahib can suntan the other side.

I was enjoying a flagon in the the 'Rusty Dredger' when Snopes crashed through the door and flops down at the bar. Instead of the usual couple of beers he orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the barmaid to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the barmaid to bring another double martini. The barmaid says, "Look here Snopes, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But why do you look inside your shirt pocket every time before you order a refill?" Snopes replied, "I'm peeking at a list of FaRT's maintenance failures. When the list starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

Well old boy, I'm going to assume you've heard the old saying "There's no such thing as bad news about someone you don't like." Well we had some indifferent news today. I was just doing my usual round of the local hostelries. I was on my way to the 'Bearded Lady' when I spotted a scrum of ladies forming in the high street outside Primarni. Apparently it was the blue pen day and everyone was out looking for a bargain. It turns out that later in the week it was the 'Angry General Meeting and dinner dance' of FaRT. The big knobs were going to be out in force, so to speak.  

Our old friend Mr Khan was busy doing a roaring trade at his corner shop and ladies and gentlemens outfitters. When I called round Khan was knocking out a line in cheap dinner suites and monsoon seconds that he imports from Malaysia. But best of all Khan was regaling a story for the after dinner speaker to use.

It went something like this: "One day a british waterways security guard stopped a volunteer worker who was walking along the towpath pushing a wheelbarrow. The guard noted that the wheelbarrow contained nothing but a pick, spade, fork and some old bits of rubbish, sawdust and floor-sweepings. The next day he stopped the same volunteer worker who was again pushing a wheelbarrow. Once more it contained nothing of any real value. The same thing happened several days on the trot, until the security guard finally said, 'OK, I give up. I know you are up to something, but I just have no idea what. Please, I promise not to report you, but put me out of my misery. Tell me what you are up to because I'm sure it no good.' 'Wheelbarrows, pick's, spade's and fork's' smiled the volunteer worker, 'I'm stealing wheelbarrows pick's, spade's, and fork's. They are all unused and as good as new, but now there are none left.' "

The Memsahib was preparing to go out last night to spend an evening at the 'Bar and Belle' with the FaRT ladies weight lifting team. I plucked up courage while she was in a good mood and enquired about something that has puzzled me for a while. 'Why are the married women in the team bigger and heavier than single women?' Rolling her eyes in that alluring way, the Memsahib replied 'Because single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go straight to bed.'  I didn't understand the answer so I asked 'So what have single women got to do with the weight of the married women.' With an impatient sigh she who must be obeyed said 'Married women come home and on seeing what's in the bed, then go to the fridge.' I wished I'd never asked!

You will remember Glenda 'Gripper' Knuckles. She is the new mechanic down as the Cinque Marina. She was telling me that she had been into her local surgery to see the doctor. She thought to herself. I'm starting to look like Jessie Coalhouse! I could see from the extra lines on her face that she was indeed very worried. She asked her GP, to take a look at her and described the symptoms for him. "When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair was all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bulging out, and I had this corpse-like pallor on my face."  She asked "What's wrong with me, doctor. Please be honest and tell me the truth no matter what!" The doctor looked her over for a couple of minutes and then he calmly said: "Well I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

I found a case of Chateau 'discutez des jambes de révérence' secreted away by the Memsahib at the back of a cupboard. I think it's yet another one of 'monsieur Khan's' daily specials. I know its potent stuff from the effects it has on the Memsahib.

Well I must run, toodle pip old boy.

Cap't Bob

"The events depicted in this series of letters are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental. No person should without the prior permission of the author assume the identity of any character. These letters are a story that could be based on actual events. In certain cases incidents, characters and timelines have been changed for dramatic purposes. Certain characters may be accidental composites, or entirely fictitious. I was helped in my creative endeavour by my friend's telepathic cat named Huxley. Huxley assumes all responsibility for any mistakes and errors."

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