Thursday, 15 August 2013

Life is like that.

Dear Bill.

Not a great deal to report I'm afraid from the back deck on Nb Dulwich Dishwasher. The sun continues to beat down and the Memsahib continues to startle the passing menfolk as she bronzes on the boat roof in her skimpy swimsuit.

As they say 'life is like that.' The Memsahib came home with a rather interesting story that she read in the Towpath Bugle. It would seem that the boys and girls at the FaRT inner sanctum have come up with yet another new wheeze. It seems that in the rarified atmosphere at Ivory Towers there has been another dizzy spell again. This time, rather than spend money on fixing problems on the waterways they have taken to measuring lock ladders. 

According to Angus McCoatup (Glaswegian street philosopher) who I bumped into on his way out of the 'Tripod and String.' The 'health and safety directorate' have taken on some surveyor bods to measure lock ladders. Angus in a lucid moment of philosophic thought suggested 'if you were going to hire a bunch of surveyors to look at a whole host of locks. Then you might have given them several other issues to look at at the same time.' Then he nodded of to sleep again.

Well old boy, from a health and safety aspect, I suppose he has a point. They could check for things like stiff, worn or broken gate or ground paddles. Items that have the potential to cause someone to get hurt. It would be the same for opening and closing lock gates, I know from experience that some are impossible on your own. Maybe get the bods to do a cursory check to see if locks were leaking water. Have a look at the lock walls, to check if they are bulging, leaning or leaking water from behind.

According to Snopes, who I met having a post meeting snorter in the bar of the 'Gob and Trousers' The 'health and safety defectorectorate' after having several planning meetings. held in conjunction with the large todgers of the 'big bonus directorate.' They have decided that there might not be sufficient room for our toes on lock ladders. It might be a source of trouble if after tripping over the unwanted bollards. If someone was not able to climb out of a lock chamber. Because the ladder rungs were of the wrong dimensions. Several considerations were made, the favourite one is installing a safety net on the ladders.

Peregrin 'Dicky' Bowe, FaRT's default employee volunteer of the month. He said he was confused by the issue because. He has size five feet but his mate 'snodders' Snodgrass has size sixteen. If the lock ladders are made to fit the larger feet than he would be at risk of slipping and getting his feet trapped behind the ladder. He thinks the lock ladders should be referred to the 'health and safety defectorectorate' and surveyed for his size of feet. 

Sir Asa Haggard-Luke (Minister for Procrastination) and Sir Rupert Forte-Knox (Secretary of State for paper clips) in a meeting in the members bar with Lord Henley 'cocky' Cockmarsh. (Toff trustee) Have suggested that the obvious solution is multiple ladders. So the lock walls will be kitted out with ladders to fit several shoe sizes. Each ladder will be marked with a sign indicating shoe size. Each will be provided with a safety net. In an emergency lock users who are at risk of drowning, are being advised to use the correct ladder rather tan the nearest to ensure their safety. 

Our old friend, the ever entrepreneurial Mr Khan down at his corner shop and specialist tool suppliers is doing a good line in cheap theodolites and those rather futuristic walking sticks with a wheel on the end. It seems that he is going to be setting up a new business providing a inland waterways surveying service. Khan says next on the list for a survey inspection is the depth of rope notches on bridge walls.

I paid a visit  yesterday down to Khan's corner shop and Bistro. He is doing a roaring trade in a rather nice fortified wine Chateau 'Confond la tĂȘte' apparently its very popular with the inmates up in Ivory Towers and they have placed an order for a dozen cases.

Well I must run, toodle pip old boy.

Cap't Bob

"The events depicted in this series of letters are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental. No person should without the prior permission of the author assume the identity of any character. These letters are a story that could be based on actual events. In certain cases incidents, characters and timelines have been changed for dramatic purposes. Certain characters may be accidental composites, or entirely fictitious. I was helped in my creative endeavour by my friend's telepathic cat named Huxley. Huxley assumes all responsibility for any mistakes and errors."

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