Posh Nosh

Delia Smith has just been axed from the Waitrose advertisements in preference to Hester Bloominghell. What is the world of  television advertisements and entertainment going to do next? 

I say this because of the plethora of cookery programs on television. I can't turn on the box without some numpty reinventing all the stuff that Delia did when she was a lass 50 years ago. As a nation, we are still second rate - well we are still in second position in the obesity race. When the nation is turning into genteel sumo grand masters. We need another cooking program like we need two extra sugars in our tea! 

So, apart from the slobber of Jaime on the preperation area.  Why is it that television producers think that we find food so compelling as entertainment?

Go into W.H.Smiths and you can't find the magazines you want on the shelves for glossy food books and monthlies. Offering culinary advice on how to convert good simple food into something bespattered with half a dozen different spices. Often just to help hide the god-awful taste. It does not stop there either, its now on five nights a week. 

Yes, food is being force fed to us five nights a week as "master gourmet on toast" or under some other awful name. Programs where the old biddy who should be out annoying her grandchildren, is cooking in her best twin-set. What happened to the blue and white stripe apron and beard. The foodie programs are even starting to be regurgitated on Dave. 

Not only that, animal programs are getting in on the act, with seed stuffed fat balls and suet and maggot balls on a string. I'm expecting "101 ways to wok your dog" to be the next best seller. Which reminds me of Heston Bloominghell and the weird and wacky world of his take on cookery. Heston is to cookery what Congo the chimp was to art. Rattlesnake fries with croutons on a bed of chocolate fire ants!

Practicality is missing,  half the ingredients are only found on a mystery tour of the local Asian food market. How can we find pleasure in some odd shaped, odd coloured bit of fruit or veg. Stuff that we are not sure whether to boil or fry like chips. Watching the images combined with over the top descriptions of stuff you have no intention of ever preparing. Its like watching your toenails grow! 

What happened to the good old days of home economics when cooking was based on a typical family budget. When do you ever get the family in one place long enough to eat together. I know that food is said to be exciting, sensual and pleasurable. But most of the young blokes only ever watched cookery programmes  whenever Nigella was threatening to ladle her dumplings out for the lads! This was about the same as watching "Bay Watch" with the sound turned down!

Not only that, but what's all this hoo haa about Michelin, stars - when did car tyres ever have anything to do with cooking.   I suppose that if they can recycle the programmes - why not recycle the presenters. Remember the good old days of Philip Harben dropping his whiskers in the pudding and Keith Floyd getting off his face on the cooking sherry! Then it started with pairs (not pears) but pairs of cooks - another idea recycled from the days of Fanny and Johnny Craddock. There were two fat ladies, who looked to be a pair of accomplished chicken stranglers.  A pair of hairy bikers who looked like they should have been washed first with the vegetables.

I would love to get one or two of them to come and prepare food for a family in the typical boat galley. Delia would be the best, at least we could talk football if the gas runs out.

There is even a new word that has been coined.  "Gastroporn" is being used to describe the way that the whole genera has moved. Now the descriptions of  the food being prepared include words like exciting, tasteful, sensual and pleasurable. It seems we have gone up market and oysters are now old school.

That's when it dawned on me - the next mind-numbing series will be! "Gourmet, left-overs" Prepared from yesterdays television concoction. A concoction that no one had the time or the intestinal fortitude to eat.

Later.....