Tuesday, 1 January 2013

New Year Makeover.

I had a grand vision of a new me for 2013.  

All inspired by reading about Heth and her new Christmas Barnet. Click Me

I had been thinking for some time about changing my very fetching, but somewhat predictable northern look and lifestyle. I'm currently appearing as the January "plaything of the month" for the latest WI 2013 calendar. Its a hard life for a trendy bloke, especially when you have to beat off the Norah's and Glenda's in the tearoom. Usually with the aid of a hefty stick of Prince Albert rhubarb.  

I could see myself in my minds eye, doing my thing on the Heckmondwike high street. Preening in the reflected glory of one of Tesco's windows. Also able to strut my stuff, down the towpath. Like some sort of southern peacock on double strength Sanatogen.

All I needed was a full, lifestyle make over. Done by a Carole Caplin of the north.

I did wonder about asking Debbie Magee (the unthinking granddads crumpet) I knew that I was up for a pick and mix version of a late mid-life-crisis, that meets a desperate new years resolution. This was a very difficult choice to make. Leaving behind a lifetime of care worn, Cuban heeled, sparking clogs. To go up market and move into a pair of sling backed, double glazed, green wellies. Ones that can be rolled down in the summer. The anguish I suffered whilst deciding to forget forever the comfort of my moleskin trews and go for the "low slung arse" in denim jeans and braces look. The double two nylon shirts to be exchanged for one of the itchy scratchy sailcloth variety. The ultimate sacrifice being a sporty string vest in place of my winter weight thermal Long Johns.

But when it came to implementing the changes to the coiffure. I had to rethink all my plans and go back to normal for a while. I had decided on a hair style like my boyhood hero - Billy Two Rivers. (I'm not sure why one river was not enough) For me, it was to be the Mohican. The tough and hard look - with matching stitched in - forehead studs. I had seen a selection of coloured Mohicans on display in the high street. However, the hairdresser said - "no can do old boy, you have made too good a start on the reverse Mohican already." (its called a Mozambican apparently, by the nose ring set) He said I could do you a fetching friar tuck, or maybe you could go for a full slap-head with designer stubble. I was inconsolable! 

I thought about having some of those stylised head tattoos. Then I thought about wearing a syrup, all neatly  trimmed back at the edges. However, I thought that the smell of the evo-stick would be too much of a give away. In fact it would out pong the lynx extra strength effect I was aiming for. 

So I continue to sit here in the traditional northern garb. My best Sunday clogs with holes for me bunions. My moleskins held up with a colour coordinated length of elasticated bungee rope. Back into my Bri-nylon shirt with detachable dog collar. Plus a crimpolene and nylon tank top that lets me light the gas at a touch of a finger. All twinned with a fetching tweed jacket with a IWA badge and matching (removable) flat hat. which doubles as an ever ready oven mitt for lifting hot pots off the stove.

The hairdresser did however sort out my ear, nose and eyebrow hair. Accomplished with an unseasonal mid to heavy pruning. The beard has been strimmed back to an unseasonable Uncle Albert. However, he was unable to tame the chest hair which still has a passing resemblance to a busted settee. 

Everything has now gone south or gone to pot - like the best laid plans of mice and men. Even the Ferrets are sulking and the Whippet has made a bolt for the door. My racing pigeons are refusing to roost in the loft. To top it all, my best stick of Prince Albert has only gone and wilted....

This reminds me of my 2012 new years resolution. I personally find that new year is such a good time to start  an exercise plan. With a bit of luck and a following wind, it can all be over and done with, long before Easter. So in 2013 maybe I could take up Pilate's classes at the local gymnasium. 

According to the Gruffalo it seems that Pilate's takes time and patience to master. She should know, it’s been almost three months since her last slipped disk. Well be fair, would you expect to be good at beer drinking the first time you tried. So, just what will my new years resolution for 2013 be? You will have to wait and see!

Happy New Year....



  1. Welcome back Mr Grumpy Meerkat! I was hoping you'd return to the blogosphere after your flexible sebatical. It's just not the same without anyone else in the "potty ramblings of a barmpot" section of the blog library.

    And at last this flippin comment thing is working (thanks Sergei).

    Once a bugger always a bugger eh? (sorry blogger)

    Heth the Feth

    BTW: I'm truly honoured that my urdo inspired your re-appearance on the scene. Glad to be of service. Just don't let the fading blue rinse have any influence...

    1. Ah, blue rinse....

      My grandmother had the "Blue Rinse" I am always minded of my grandmother whenever I see a blue rinse. She also had the blue eye shadow.

      I was looking only the other day at an old faded leather skinned family bible. It had care worn edges and a bright blue clasp. It used to belong to grandma. Thinking back, the bible looked a lot like grandma.



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