Monday, 21 January 2013

IWA Fifth Column

Do you get fed up sitting around on your boat all day. Fed up of having nothing to do. Do you need a bit of excitement and spice in your life. Forget your moral upbringing, leave your conscience behind because now you can sell yourself to the devil. Can you shame Sherlock, can you out think the Saint. Could you teach the politburo a trick or two?

Join the Covert and Recondite Team (CaRT) as a volunteer and you too will be able to practice your new covert trade. Alternatively you can join the CaRT fifth column also known as the Invited Watchers Association (IWA). With your cover if confronted being a member of the IWA secret service team. Rise through the ranks and become a volunteer handler. Become an agent provocateur or go deep underground as a sleeper in your local boat club and become a snitch, grass, snout or a nark. 

But first you will need to hone up your surveillance techniques. You can start by practice hiding in hedgerows. Taking covert photographs of people coming and going to the toilet block. Noting down the comings and goings of unsuspecting members of the boating public. Blending into the background or engaging in innocent fact finding conversation with your quarry. You could even go searching through their rubbish bags thrown in the Biffa skip. 

Could you be the next Officer Crabtree, or operate a canal side cafe Rene. Any previous experience of cross dressing could be a distinct advantage. You must be prepared for possible physical confrontation from people who think that you are a Curtain Twitcher, Busy Body, Peeping Tom, Paedophile or Voyeur. In fact if you are a Curtain Twitcher, Busy Body, Peeping Tom, Paedophile or Voyeur this could provide you with just the cover story you need for next time you go out dogging. 

You will be provided with the covert tools of the trade. Including a Rodney Charlton Trotter ID Card, a 007 compass, a 007 wrist watch, a 007 note book, a 007 pencil, a pair of 007 Wellington's, a 007 camera, a 007 torch, a 007 utility belt, a 007 camouflaged balaclava,  a 007 energy drink, 007 Reliant tricycle, a pair of 007 water-wings and a 007 camouflaged lunch box.

Once you have perfected your techniques you could be working for MI5 as a spy. Yes, you too could be the next replacement for James Bond. Alternatively you could join the WRVS suicide squad.

Wiki Quote: A fifth column is a group of people who clandestinely undermine a larger group, such as a nation, from within. A fifth column can be a group of secret sympathizers of an enemy within a country's borders. A key tactic of the fifth column is the secret introduction of supporters into the whole fabric of the entity under attack. This clandestine infiltration is especially effective with positions concerning national policy. From influential positions like these, fifth column tactics can be effectively utilized, from stoking fears through misinformation campaigns, to traditional techniques like espionage.


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