Thursday, 3 April 2014

Towpath Shock Troops

Dear Bill.

Not a great deal to report I'm afraid from the front deck on Nb Dulwich Dishwasher.

Well its been a bit busy of late on the waterways old bean. The Memsahib told me that the first battalion of the towpath shock troops and friends recruiters have reported for duty.  Our erstwhile friends in the Cycling Angling Rambling Truss, have been 'out and strutting' their stuff in a show of unbridled force. In a scene like something from 'you've been framed' the commando RIB side slipped Greenpeace's Rainbow Warrior and the troops swarmed aboard the narrowboat like a group of Somali pirates. They soon overwhelmed the pensioners who were lightly armed with slippers and tea.  Apparently according to Trustee Digby Snopes who I happened to bump into in the Firkin and Ferret. Every day is waterways eviction day.

I was wondering old boy, how you had gotten on in the latest Environment Agency bi-annual flooding competition? Glenda 'gripper' Knuckles swears that the folk down in Somerset seem to be developing webbed feet, while they have been waiting for a solution to be agreed. But as we all know, environmental impact assessments of the ring toed newt and the viability of cocklecarrot pollen grains on the lesser spotted bee, will have to be considered first.  However, I bumped into 'street philosopher' Angus McCoatup, in the bar of the 'Fly and Gusset'  who predicted that when the rising level of effluent enters the living room of the affluent - something will get done.  

I seem to have been hooked by a new Cycling Angling Rambling Truss fund raising idea. Its the scratch and sniff card.  They are available in Mr Khan's corner shop. The rules are fairly straight forward. You wait until an emergency begging letter is sent round by the truss. Then you match the words used in the begging letter to the words on the scratch and sniff card. Yes, even I'm playing Bullshit Bingo and I have a line already!

Mrs Antonia 'tonker' Pailes the charwoman of the bored was telling me that the waterways battle boat has just sailed past. Seems that the vicar was returning from a block load of heathens to baptise in Milton Keynes.  The vicar apparently was full of communion spirit and in good voice. He was quoting random passages from the bible. However when he did quoth 'Suffer little children to come unto me.' I noticed a sense of fear that swept through the mothers. Who were instantly being protective towards their offspring. I think the mothers, do tend to take the vicar's words as being gospel.

Rick 'paddy' O'Shea was lamenting at great length in the snug of the Fly and Gusset. He was lambasting WaterCo about the receipt of a £372 water bill for his tiny two bedroomed flat. However, what peeved him more than anything else was the special offer attached to the bill. It seems that if he would donate an extra £2 a month. WaterCo would be able to supply an entire African village with clean fresh water.

Well I must run, toodle pip old boy.

Cap't Bob

"The events depicted in this series of letters are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental. No person should without the prior permission of the author assume the identity of any character. These letters are a story that could be based on actual events. In certain cases incidents, characters and timelines have been changed for dramatic purposes. Certain characters may be accidental composites, or entirely fictitious. I was helped in my creative endeavour by my friend's telepathic cat named Huxley. Huxley assumes all responsibility for any mistakes and errors."

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