Monday, 8 October 2012

Push CART Poetry

In reply to the ongoing push by CART on lock gate poetry as the answer to all the ailments of the canals.  With a passing nod to the wonderful Marriott Edgar. And the memorable "Three Ha'pence a Foot" The monologues were spoken in a northern accent intended to be quite droll. Often done by Stanley Holloway. Click Here for a sample. 

I bring you the "Volunteer Lockie" Monologue.

I'm going to tell you a new fashioned story,
as me old mother would often relate,
About a waterways dumpling called Robin,
and Tony his oppo and mate.

T'was in twenty twelve as it started,
with the setting up't of a canal trust,
All in a blaze and a shambles,
cos government wouldn't give'm  enough.

The owd management crowd had no idea,
knew nowt abart owt to do with the cut,
so they're are all set on as the new bosses,
as they are reckoned t'be daft enough.

We will start by auctioning off the equipment,
as used by the staff to repair the canal,
and now that we have nowt left to use,
we might just sack the staff as well.

With maintenance now cut in the budget,
and an ever watchful eye on the rest,
Robin and Tony run everything,
a move not exactly the best.

There's a problem down at the lock side,
and boaters feathers are all out of place,
the engineer is stumped for an answer,
and looking all red in the face.

Robin and Tony are the ones on call,
so to the lock they go at a rush,
two drips with a leak to fix,
with chequered  paint and a brush.

There was water coming under t'gate,
and water coming in round the side,
the lock was not filling with water,
was seen as something of a surprise.

Have you opened the paddles asked Robin,
the boater gave him and old fashioned look,
twas one that if let go could have killed,
and certainly had knocked off his duck.

Theres now't we can do about the problem,
theres health and safety and a risk to assess,
that's a good wheeze whispered Tony,
it works every time I confess.

The bottom gates fitted the leaks,
a job that they managed quite well,
have you oiled the hinge enquired Tony,
You will soon have it fixed I foretell. 

The boater was in awe of the thicko,
a talent such as this could do well,
if he asks me another stupid question,
he'll be struck by a windlass from hell.

I think I have spotted the problem,
Robin was overheard to have said,
we can all come back tomorrow ,
I'll mull it over tonight in me bed. 

They both arrived in the morning,
the boat was no longer in sight,
I wonder if its sunk said robin,
it very probably might.

There nowt to worry about said the engineer,
it was soon on its way last night,
problem were fixed by a volunteer lockie,
she happened to pass on her bike.

she put the stop planks in place,
and then drained the lock down dry,
she re-hung the chain on the sluices,
and never battered an eye.

She greased all the winding mechanism,
and replaced the cill plank just in case,
she fine adjusted with an hammer,
with three bashes in the right place.

The lock was flooded in a moment,
and then on her bike she did jump,
went off to do a litter pick,
fixed cos she knew just where to thump.

Smiles there were from Robin,
a big grin creased Tony's face,
we can add this to the success list,
and win the big bonus race.

Did I tell of my latest idea said Tony,
boats full of trees and similar stuff,
adding a poem on lock gates,
and lots of other useless guff.

I was thinking of adding more bollards,
of the square kind we have a big pile,
then there the balloons and bunting,
That will keep em busy for a while.

I have just had a text message said Tony,
theres a huge breach along the canal,
better send for the volunteer lockie,
she's a pretty wonderful gal.

But the volunteer lockie had now moved on,
to pastures new where her talents were trust,
with her degree in canal engineering,
a real job for her was a must.

No longer sent picking up litter,
no longer feeling used and secondhand,
volunteering on the Dearne and Dove canal,
with the theodolite now in her hand.



  1. eeeeee, tha's certainly gorra way with words chuck :)

  2. Wonderful. Lovin the cut poetry :-)
    Here's one of mine.


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