Monday 10 September 2012

If I wanted

I do on the odd occasion take a swipe at BW/CART. I am not on my own as there are a lot of others who do the same. Disenchantment is the word. I am disenchanted with BW/CART for a number of reasons. Now some people think that I want CART to fail. This could not be further from the truth. I want CART to be successful if only because we are now in the last chance saloon with regards to the Inland Waterways.

Now, if I wanted CART to fail I would start with a plan of action. I would employ people with zero knowledge of the inland waterways their function and their history. I would spend as little money as possible on upkeep. Old things bring with them the nostalgia for the past. So not doing the lick of paint where needed, not doing regular maintenance would all go some way to creating that timeless ambiance of old, worn out and decrepit places.

I would sell off the family jewels like cottages for the workforce as cheaply as possible. I would also hand pick the buyers to be people with an anti waterways viewpoint. Knowing that in the future complaints can then be used to further restrict mooring access. I would set out to attract non funding activities to the waterways. Walkers, cyclists and other such groups. At the same time I would increase the costs for the waterways funding groups like boat owners. Then I would set out to make it hard for them to enjoy the waterways by failing to dredge difficult areas.

Then I would attract volunteers to give of their spare time to do jobs around the place. Then I would sell of all the tools that they could use. If that fails I would look at the accredited qualifications that the volunteers already hold and then fail to recognise them. Then I would get them to stand around with nothing to do for as much of the time as possible. The best wheeze of all would be to place them with the remnants of the old worforce to be trained up to take over their jobs.

I would organise at great expense for balloons and bunting to be purchased and then not used. Waste a wedge of cash for trees to be planted in a narrowboat. I would also spend cash on adding timeless graffiti to lock gates all in the name of art.

I would as head honcho (of what's left after the Scottish waterways have been removed) make sure that me and my close cronies were being paid more than the prime minister. This is bound to make the minions feel pissed off.

I would be very creative with Health and Safety using the legislation not to do essential work. Then spend money in the name of Health and Safety on what's not needed such as square lock bollards for instance.

I would have as many people as possible in an "Advisory Capacity" to the Trust. If there is one thing I have learned is that many cooks do spoil the broth. I can always say that we were badly advised by the advisory panel to protect my arse. I’d ensure the panels are stacked so that even the most blatant breaches of common sense are whitewashed. When the inland waterways evangelists of common sense try to expose the truth, I’d enlist the easily led media to drown them out.

If I wanted CART to fail … I would create countless new regulations and seldom cancel old ones. They would be so complicated that only bureaucrats, and lawyers  could understand them. I’d use human rights law as an excuse to get my own way.

I’d raise prices year on year and disguise this as a subsidy to create jobs and be good for the waterways.

If I wanted CART to fail for every concern, I’d invent a crisis; and for every crisis, I’d invent the cause. Like imposing water restrictions when there is no need.

If I wanted CART to fail I’d make it easier to kill jobs than create them. I would transform the environmental agenda from a document of conservation to an economic suicide pact. 

I would celebrate those who preach financial austerity in public while indulging a lavish lifestyle in private. I would prey on the goodness and decency of the ordinary people. By chugging their hard earned cash.  I would only need to convince them that all of this is for the greater good. 

If I wanted CART to fail, I suppose I wouldn't change a thing.


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