Sunday, 4 December 2011

Christmas Beer Goggles

Boaters, do you find it hard to make friends or do you suffer from chronic shyness and wish you were more assertive.

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor to prescribe Beer.

Beer is recognised the world over as a safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself. It can help to ease you out of your shyness and let you become more outgoing and relaxed.

You will notice the benefits of Beer immediately and with regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Such as sleeping in unusual positions and waking up laid next to new friends. Changed perceptions to what is right and what is wrong - usually by exchanging the two.

Beer may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or are wanting to become pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Research into the beer goggle effect has been carried out by Nathan Efron, Professor of Clinical Optometry at the University of Manchester.

A formula rating of less than one means no effect. Between one and 50 the person you would normally find unattractive appears less "visually offensive".

Non-appealing people become suddenly attractive between 51 and 100. At more than 100, someone not considered attractive looks like a super model.

He said: "The beer goggles effect isn't solely dependent on how much alcohol a person consumes, there are other influencing factors at play too. For example, someone with normal vision, who has consumed five pints of beer and views a person 1.5 metres away in a fairly smoky and poorly lit room, will score 55, which means they would suffer from a moderate beer goggle effect."

Beer has been used as a cosmetic when washing hair to give an improved shine. As a food supplement for cooking steak and ale pie for instance. Beer is a popular beverage frequently taken during the festive season.

You may need to take care because  the consumption of Beer may make you think you are whispering when you are not. Cause you to tell everyone over and over again that you love them. May cause you to think you can sing. May make you think you can converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Beer can also create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most other people. May make you think you can walk on water. Will make you more attractive to the sexy police officer when driving. Beer has also been known to improve the ability to fly from buildings like Peter Pan accompanied by an imaginary Tinkerbelle.

A poll showed that 68% of people had vaguly remembered giving their phone number to someone to whom they later realised they were no longer attracted. Obviously they had not consumed enough, beer otherwise they would not remember.

Small Print
Side effects have been known to include dizziness, nausea, projectile vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of strip poker, truth or dare, and naked twister.


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