Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Christmas ideas.

Ok, today's posting is just for the men folk, it's a simple question "What do you get for your loved one at Christmas?" I know that some of you will now be having the cold sweats. I hate to say it, but it is only 48, Days. 12, Hours. 36, Minutes, but then, who's counting?

So just what do you get for your loved one at Christmas? Now, if I could come up with an answer that particular conundrum I would be seriously seriously rich.

First, never ask the fatal and flawed question "What would you like for Christmas". The answer will only be - "oh, I don't know, get me a some flowers". Getting her some flowers - you might just as well be buying flowers for your own funeral. What we men have to do each year, is to go through all of the various phases of possibility picking. Well, we do if we want to eat and wear clean clothes. Its not a game, its more of an unspoken ritual and the women folk set the rules. She knows, that you know, that she knows, its all a carefully choreographed game. But never let on to her that you know. Trust me!

Phase one, if your like me, you start to make the Christmas wish list round about the beginning of March. Why? Because in everyday conversation she will say in an off hand way "I would quite like one of those" or something similar. It becomes very important not to forget. You then have to keep careful score of the number of times the phrase "I would quite like one of those" is said about a specific item. Items with the highest scores then become distinct possibilities.

Remember, if she ever says "does my bum look big in this", it is a subtly different question to "does this make my bum look big". However, the biggest pitfall to avoid is that you must ensure that no one that she knows has the same item - and especially one in the same colour.
Phase two, happens about the middle of September. This is when you begin to test your carefully collated data. You can't just come out and say - "do you want one of those for Christmas" - because even if she does - you fail because "it is not going to be a surprise". So we have to be a little more subtle. A nonchalant "what do you think to those" or even an offhand "I'm not sure I like that colour". Will help to create the shortlist.

Phase three, happens about the beginning of December. This is when you have to do the distraction manoeuvre. You have to choose what it is that you are going to get her, but you must keep the receipts. However, then you have to make some comment about all but the two best possibilities that you have shortlisted. Remember, never make comment about the two possibilities that you have chosen. In no time at all she will have figured out what two items you might have purchased for her. If she wants either of the items - she will make no mention of them. If in the meantime she has changed her mind on one of the choices - she will mention the item in passing. This is your queue to go back to the shop and exchange the item for the second item. As I said you will need the till receipt.

On Christmas morning - you will be greeted with the rhetorical question "How clever of you darling, just what I wanted - however did you guess?". Go and have a beer - remember -its only 365 day to next Christmas. Time is running short.


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