Wednesday, 28 January 2015

Spanish News for the English (1)

The 'Spanish News for the English' is a service in support of European Multiculturalism for English Boaters considering a different type of winter break as an alternative to the more usual ankle, leg or arm. Due to language difficulties and the unavailability of translation services. There may be one or two small inaccuracies in the news provided.

We are on our winter holiday. But we are bitterly disappointed, what would you expect on a winter holiday. Frost, ice and snow covered mountains. We discovered the mostly empty beaches are bathed in sunlight and much to warm. OK, some people go on a winter holiday for the skiing and the Apr├Ęs Ski falling over hospital visit that comes with it. For other people it is seeking out the sunshine and an extra bit of warmth. But why on earth have the Spanish changed all the names of the products in Aldi and Lidl that we are so used to.

Its a funny old world, I live and learn something new everyday. Even out here on in the lowlands of the  Costa Blanca (costa packet) I discover some things that have me scratching my head. For one thing the Spanish like the French insist on driving on the wrong side of the road. Despite my best efforts to demonstrate to them the error of their ways.

Not only that but I find it a bit unnerving to see the 'body part donors' Seemingly attired in brightly coloured latex and spandex bodybags. (easier to find in the dark?) Riding in groups on their bicycles along the hard shoulder of the motorways. Even joining in with the traffic in the slow lane from time to time. There also seems to be an ambulance chaser  just behind the main group. Flashing his hazard lights and picking up the bikes and putting them on the roof of the car. 

I have long thought that the logic used by CaRT to be skewed. But then maybe its not just the Trust that has financial problems that make the grandees that are in charge act so oddly. As reported on a Spanish radio station yesterday (Bay Radio a popular station that has improved its following by the simple expedient of adopting English as its native language of choice)  It seems that the Spanish are so short of money they have had to turn to a new form of highway robbery as they try to fight their way out of austerity.

Its so bad that the authorities have decided to prosecute a British couple for speeding in their car. Nothing unusual in that you might think. Well maybe there was one slight anomaly which has escaped the Spanish authorities. The car was actually broken down and un-drivable at the time that the offence was committed. A weird situation I know, but remember we had to put this lot in their place once before when the local boat club sent an armada up the English channel. You would have though the name 'English' would have been enough for them to recognise who had right of way.  

But I digress from my story...

But as the Spaniards were soon sent packing with the remnants of their boats by Walt. After he finished his afternoon game of Crown Green Ten Pin Bowling. It should be remembered that the Spaniards have been wanting to get their own back for some time now.

But I digress again from my story...

The sensibly dressed couple attended the court of the Spanish inquisition in Zaragoza. (like our English courts, the Spanish have an ancient legal system, where the penalties tend to be a bit harsher) In homage to the late Demis Roussos the beaks were all wearing caftans. The stiff upper lipped couple in a show of English strength of character, asked Johnnie Foreigner for a view the picture of the alleged speeding vehicle.

The lightly armed police officer said that the photograph had been taken by a mobile speed camera. (a present from his sergeant so he could get out more) It was the couples vehicle that he snapped travelling at 83kph in a 70kph zone. However, the vehicle belonging to the brave English couple could be clearly seen to be travelling on the back of a breakdown truck. However, the registration number of the breakdown truck was not in the picture. But the registration mark of their disabled and un-drivable car was.

Their appeal was turned down by the head poncho of the caftan crew. They were found guilty and ordered to pay 80 Euro fine and burning at the stake. (the burning at the stake was reduced to a lesser punishment of an Indian burn each, for previous good character) Which would rise to 100 Euro the next day as interest would also be charged on the fine. (Payday rates for mates)

In retaliation to this heinous slur upon the good character of the English couple. Our friendly and recently almost independent Scots have decided to send Rob Roy and his cohort of the Bannockburn larger louts to Benidorm. Flying in from Glasgow (a small fishing village on the west coast of Scottiesland, near where we park our submarines) Arriving in time for Easter. When the Spanish celebrate by throwing goats from towers and driving the cattle to market through the streets Pamplona.
The Spanish certainly know their onions and how to bring tears to your eyes.

You couldn't make it up!

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