Sunday, 7 December 2014

Tissues for all your issues.

Dear Bill.

Hello old buoy, how's it all drifting?

Well there is not a great deal to report from the back deck of Nb Dulwich Dishwasher. We have now arrived and taken up residence in the Cinque Marina for the winter. The Memsaib has started on her Christmas shopping as there is only about three weeks of wrapping time left.

I ran into Mr Khan outside his corner emporium, he was hanging up the fairy lights and the plastic holly sprigs. He was as usual, his ebullient self on the outside. Today however, I noticed he was looking a bit nonplussed. When I enquired how he was going on. It seems that he had applied for one of the vacancies as a part time litter picking volunteer, down at the canal. However  It Khan said he was forced into taking the job of a Cycling Angling Rambling Trust, local waterways partnership chairman. Replacing the outgoing ex chairman someone he said was referred to as Charlie Propper. Khan said that he told CaRT that he did not own a boat and that he knew nothing about the inland waterways. The interviewing panel told him that a lack of knowledge was an essential on the chairmans person specification. Plus not owning a boat also ticked an important desirable. So his knowledge level and skill set made him an ideal candidate. 

Do you remember Glenda 'gripper' Knuckles, the Marina Manager?  She was once described on the executive toilet wall as always being 'ready with the tissues for all your little issues'. Well, it seems that she has been promoted to junior welfare officer for the trust. I overheard a one sided telephone conversation between the Memsahib and gripper the other day. It went something like this.  'Oi Gripper, there are hundreds of ducks here, I understand they are best served with an orange sauce. Did you know, they start waking up and tapping on the side of the boat to be fed about, an hour before sun up. This is because the geese had as usual returned back here, loudly honking at each other in the dark. After spending some of the night feeding in the fields. Their honks disturbing both us and the ducks. The geese had in turn been disturbed in the fields by the arrival of the wing whistling swans. Which had woken us up as they departed the marina about half an hour before the geese arrived back. The swans in turn had been woken up by piercing loud whistle of those pre dawn alarm clocks that are known as Coots. The Coots seem to spend much of the early darkness enjoying late night scuffles with the Moorhen's. Who as far as I can ascertain, like us, get no fucking sleep at all!' The Memsahib does get a bit tetchy if she doesn't get her much needed beauty sleep. 
I took the Memsahib for an evening out to the local Indian restaurant (Taj Mahal) run by Dillip Patel.  I stuck to the traditional English fair - a Tinderloo washed down with eight pints of Scandinavian lager. The Memsahib meanwhile decided to try number two on the menu - which was Goat steak. However, she had to send it back to the kitchen because it was somewhat under cooked. She told Dillip that she knew it was undercooked when she noticed it eating the side salad. The Taj unfortunately is an alcohol free restaurant but you can get a bottle of French wine from Mr Khan's emporium.  She picked up a bottle of Château le goût d' pipi.  The Memsahib said that after tasting it, she was not surprised it was number one on the wine list.

The latest news from the rolled up trouser legs in the Inner Sanctum (moorings dictatorship). Is that they are conducting a consultation with the boat owning plebs. Consulting about what is commonly known far and wide as 'the moorings daylight robbery'. In a typical indifferent response, Ms Antonia 'tonker' Pales the charwoman of the bored. Wanted to know why boaters refer to the trustees and directors as the A433.  She was a bit nonplussed to find out that it is because their collectively known as the Milton Keynes turn off. 

The Inner sanctum (Back orifice staff) have been summoned up to the headmasters house - for a bit of a trouser warming session with Sir Asa Haggard-Luke MP (Minister for towpaths) and Sir Rupert Forte-Knox MP (Secretary of State for paper clips) When asked how things were progressing within the truss. In a state of complete amnesia the head prefect said everything was Rosy - which to a point could have been correct depending upon the colour of spectacles chosen. Then the conversation turned to the number of 'friends' that had been recruited - once more in a moment of accidental forgetfulness the head prefect thought they meant the number of friends on social media and reported that they had good numbers on Arcebook. The drains  partnerships then came up for the headmasters  inspection. The head prefect was able to report a £25,000 return (On what would be described elsewhere in the business world as a loss leader.) He once again due to a momentary lapse of memory omitted to add that they had previously poured £1.5 million down the drains partnership coffers.

I ran into Digby Snopes the erstwhile head honcho of the bean counting directorate. In the snug of the Creek and Paddle. Who has continued the trend of previous years, in spending lots of dosh only to be able to tread water in the profit column so to speak. He was cock-a-hoop that the various directorates had been investing millions of pounds in conducting archaeological excavations on the towpath at Milton Keynes.

The Inner Sanctum (Operations Directorate) who after having excavated the towpath to a depth of 10 feet last year. Found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that the old canal owners must have had a state of the art telephone network more than 200 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Operations Directorate in the months that followed, The Inner Sanctum (Engineering directorate) re-excavated in the same place on the towpath. This time to a depth of 20 feet before also finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, the Engineering directorate published an article on the Truss website saying. 'Having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, we have concluded that their old canal owners already had an advanced communications network 50 years earlier than the Operations Directorate thought.'

A few weeks later, the local Waterways Partnership chairman reported the following. 'After excavating the same hole in the towpath down to a depth of 33 feet. Partnership Chairman Charlie Propper, a self-taught amateur gynaecologist, reported that he had found "absolutely bugger all". Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago,  the old canal owners had had already gone wireless.'

Just makes you bloody proud to be British.

Well I must run, toodle pip old boy.

Cap't Bob

"The events depicted in this series of letters are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental. No person should without the prior permission of the author assume the identity of any character. These letters are a story that could be based on actual events. In certain cases incidents, characters and timelines have been changed for dramatic purposes. Certain characters may be accidental composites, or entirely fictitious. I was helped in my creative endeavour by my friend's telepathic cat named Huxley. Huxley assumes all responsibility for any mistakes and errors."

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