Sunday, 10 August 2014

Mystery trip.

Dear Bill.

Not a great deal to report I'm afraid from the side hatch on Nb Dulwich Dishwasher. 

I must appologise for the lack of communication recently. I have been a bit remiss, but we have been preparing to embark on our mystery trip. We call it the mystery trip because its a mystery to us that anything on the canal actually works. 

When I looked out of the starboard porthole this morning. I came almost eye-to-eye with Angus McCoatup the towpath philosopher who was staggering to his feet. He said he had been laid all night on the towpath, puzzling over question eight asked the Dog and Carbuncle quiz. He enquired if I knew the answer to why boaters refer to the junction of the A509 on the M1 as 'Hales Way.' I said that's an easy one,  because it's known as the CaRT turn off. 

I bumped into our old friend Peregrin 'Dicky' Bowe in the bar of the Firkin and Ferret. Dicky was in good fettle. However, I remarked that he had more than a touch of the five-o-clock shadow.  He asked me if I could recommend a good barber, one where he could get a wet shave. I suggested going to Khan's Baber Shop - I told him that it must be good as the Memsahib goes there three times a week. 

I had a convivial trip to Birmingham for the CaRT public meeting. I bumped into my old friend Digby Snopes who regaled me with the following story.  Apparently, a boater after fishing all morning returned to his boat on the canal to take a nap. His wife then takes the boat out, moor's up and begins to read a book. A CaRT enforcement team member turns up and says "Oi, you're in a restricted fishing area." She answered, "it may have escaped your notice, but I'm not fishing." "I can see that" he says, "but I can also see that you have all the equipment. I will have no option but to issue you with a section eight." "Are you crazy" she said, "you want to issue a section eight for reading a book." "No" he says "for going equipped in a restricted fishing area, I can clearly see all the equipment." He continued "for all I know you could start at any moment. So I'll have to issue with a section eight." "Then I will have no other option but to report you to the police for sexual assault." she says. "But I haven't touched you" he replies. She said "but you have all the equipment and for all I know you could start at any moment."  Never the less, he issued the section eight, when it got to court the judge said "This is crazy" and threw the section eight out. He then addressed himself to the counter charge of sexual harassment. Madam he said, I have no option than to throw out your counter claim, I have checked - I could clearly see that there was no way that he could ever be charged with going equipped!

Just heard a loud bang, in the carpark the memsahib must be back...

Well I must run, toodle pip old boy.

Cap't Bob

"The events depicted in this series of letters are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental. No person should without the prior permission of the author assume the identity of any character. These letters are a story that could be based on actual events. In certain cases incidents, characters and timelines have been changed for dramatic purposes. Certain characters may be accidental composites, or entirely fictitious. I was helped in my creative endeavour by my friend's telepathic cat named Huxley. Huxley assumes all responsibility for any mistakes and errors."

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