Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Care in the Boating Community

Dear Bill.

I see that the winter is upon us once again. The smell of a wood burning stove is mixed with the soporific sound of the petrol chainsaw as it wafts along the canal. 

Bill, there's not a great deal to report old bean, other than we have had a few interesting mornings watching a few aged and infirm boaters attempting to repel unwanted boarders. Therefore, you will gather, that I have an interesting tale to tell. I suppose it will come as no surprise that there has been another couple of skilfully organised cock-up by the Truss. After all, you only have to remember who came up with the idea of spending a fortune on growing forests in boats. Only to find the forest can't pass under the first bridge. Something euphemistically described by one wag as another failed hedge fund!

I know its been some time since issuing my last communique. I acknowledge that I have been a bit remiss of late. But I have not had much time to muse on the back deck of Nb Dulwich Dishwasher. But we have not been letting the grass grow under our feet. We have been somewhat busy making preparations just in case we happen to be next on the boarding party list. In an expectation of a visitation from Ms Glenda 'gripper' Knuckles who is affectionately known to one and all as the Kennet and Avon enforcer.  I’ve got a friend who is a lion tamer and Gripper scared him shitless. The Memsahib, bless her has been taking martial arts classes at the local technical college. Even as I write she is busy painting some very good placards. 

As for me, I paid a visit to Mr Khan at his corner shop and military surplus emporium. It seems that Khan was tipped off by Mrs Antonia 'tonker' Pailes (charwoman of the bored). So Khan was well aware of the secret mustering (prior to the launching an amphibious attack) of the first battalion of the Cycling Angling Rambling Truss shock troops. Khan was able to acquire a good stock of ex military equipment in readiness for the boaters to protect themselves. Including some IED's (Implanted Enforcement Device) which are of the same type fitted to the Truss senior management. Unfortunately however, the bullet proof, self inflating life vests are on back order. 

Apart from imbibing the odd sherbet in the tap room of the Zip and Gusset. I been keeping myself busy. By installing the discounted electrified razor wire and the inexpensive water cannons. Its handy having an unlimited supply of munition under the boat.  I am also expecting Kate Adey the BBC's (Big Boys Club) war correspondent and pole dancer to arrive at any moment. She said that she wanted to be embedded with the rebels - so me and most of the other boaters are looking forward to that. When the Memsahib found out about the imminent arrival of Adey. The Memsahib waved an admonishing finger in my direction - at least I think if was an admonishing finger!

The Crumbling Ageing Relic Truss as revealed by Mr Digby Snopes (ex Trustee). In what appears at first sight to be the ever present search by the Truss for top billing as a publicity slut on every form of media. The Truss is to be seen strutting around in its new guise while posturing as the macho charity of the people.  The Crumbling Ageing Relic Truss is as I write, flexing its muscles in a show of unbridled power. Letting everyone know that the Combative And Ridiculous Truss is one not to be messed with. Boaters have had their craft seized and have been left stood on the towpath with only the clothes they are wearing. However, it seems to most level headed boaters that the Truss has gone 'stark staring bonkers' and completely lost the plot. 

The testosterone Truss is opening a second front. The shock troops, could be seen performing a flanking, pincer movement complete with a bulge, as they got their rocks off so to speak. It seems that Pile-Ings marina customer base has now been plunged into a complete meltdown. This was caused by the arrival in the morning post of the latest issue of the in house Towpath Pravda the organ of the Truss so to speak. It would appear that the ever charitable Capital At Risk Truss has gone power crazy. The latest actions from the Truss are intended for attracting donations from the public. What is this wonderful idea -  blocking off Pile-Ings marina from the rest of the canal system. 

Mr Roger 'snodders' Snodgrass (Truss spokesperson) announced: 'This should in one fell swoop cut off about three hundred boats from the canal. At the same time reducing the number of boats required to purchase a licence.' Snodders added 'The implementation of the Truss battle-plans had been actioned. It should reduce costs in the office as the Truss will not need as many staff in the licensing directorate." He also went on to announce the casualty figures. "After spending some considerable time identifying a suitable target. Then taking careful aim, the Truss had only suffered superficial wounds to both its feet."

Well I must run, toodle pip old boy.

Cap't Bob

"The events depicted in this series of letters are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental. No person should without the prior permission of the author assume the identity of any character. These letters are a story that could be based on actual events. In certain cases incidents, characters and timelines have been changed for dramatic purposes. Certain characters may be accidental composites, or entirely fictitious. I was helped in my creative endeavour by my friend's telepathic cat named Huxley. Huxley assumes all responsibility for any mistakes and errors."

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