Monday, 2 September 2013

The Power of the Beard.

The power of the beard.

Facial hair is a passive indicator of maturity. It's a universal trait, so much so that it's one of the few things that truly surpasses cultural and and regional lines. Specifically for boat skippers of either gender it displays those qualities. The nature of the facial hair itself is indicative of many more qualities. The strength lies in the subtlety rather implying a physical appearance.

An uneven, unkempt beard suggests a brazen lifestyle, hire boater, poverty, or a brash personality. These traits are directly proportional to the beard's length. Whereas a short, trimmed beard indicates cleanliness and discipline. A moustache only lends an air of style and fashion to a man, and can be utilized by gentlemen and rogues alike.

One of the few cultural taboos that sustains itself over history and geography is the cultivation of ginger hair. Up until the twentieth century, this display of such cadmium filamentous biomaterial was not tolerated outside of its owner's abode. In the second world war, it became necessary to utilise the gingers in the act of combat and thus 'heads of carrot' became more socially acceptable within the bounds of restricted length. Such is the social acceptance of gingers in the 21st century, they now walk among us 'fully-grown'. 

Growing a beard requires dedication and lots of extra manly hard work. Remember Moses only accomplished his best beard after forty years in the desert. Here's how to do it in a series of steps that may eventually become a stairway to the perfect beard.


Learn to play the accordion, there is an ill defined link between quality and quantity of facial hair and the ability to squeeze a tune out of an accordion. If you happen to come across accordion music you will see that most of it emanates from a bearded person.

Shaving is to your beard what tilling the soil is to gardening. Shave a lot. Shave all the time. Shave every day, and twice on Tuesdays, or three times on Saturdays if a member of the Russian Orthodox Church.

Once your face is clean shaven nearly every day, you wait, while continuing to shave and pray. One day, a beard will magically burst from your face. A bit like acne did in puberty.

One common misconception is that the more luxuriant beards are gender specific. Nothing could be further from the truth. Some of the best beards have been cultivated by husbands of women. 

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