Friday 21 June 2013

Slug and Lettuce

Dear Bill.

Not a great deal to report from the porthole on Nb Dulwich Dishwasher.

I say old bean, it looks like we missed a fun weekend of glug, glug, glug followed by the usual bit of chug, chug, chug. Its been quite a while since our last opportunity to have an extended gargle. The towpath telegraph failed to pass on the details of a floating carnival on the Regents Canal. You may have seen on television the depleted police force raiding the alcohol fuelled event. It's called a rave and used to be organised a few years ago in an old warehouse or in the countryside. (I'm not talking about those organised by toffs at the family pile.) 

You might recall, in the distant past those student drinking club things we used to get involved with. Good fun in-between occasional bouts of pious conciousness. Apparently they have now moved onto the canals. I bumped into Rodney in the public bar of the Slug and Lettuce he said there were complaints from the natives that the "glug and chug" had left a complete trail of devastation. However, after having a look around the area, it looked to Rodders to be on a par with the majority of the canal system. With lots of floating plastic, paper, glass and the towpath covered in all kinds of shit.

Talking about British eccentricity, the Memsahib has been to visit Mr Khan corner shop. She brought back a sample of Khan's latest culinary offerings. It seems that he has started a new range of 'boil in the bag' fodder for passing boaters. This special is on offer with a bottle of a popular Korean white called ch√Ęteau "pisse de triton"  The curry we are trying out tonight is a rather unusual duck madras. Which reminds me, the problem I wrote you about that we were having with the early morning visits from the local ducks has now dwindled away. I am wondering if the migration might have started early.

Did you hear the story about the new CaRT Volunteer. It was told to me by Rodders in the bar of the 'Leaky Lock.' Apparently a new volunteer lock keeper spends the first week at her new job, training with the compulsory redundant lock keeper she is replacing. On the last day the departing lock keeper tells her, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve." Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - boaters are complaining about lots of things - and the volunteer lock keeper feels very threatened by it all. She remembers the parting words of the previous lock keeper and opens the envelope marked one. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" She does this and gets off the hook. About half a year later, the CaRT is experiencing a huge dip in volunteer recruitment, combined with a lot of volunteers resigning. The volunteer lock keeper who has by now been promoted to volunteer lock keeper/manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message reads, "Reorganize, Recognise and Rebuild!" This she does, and the volunteering numbers start to improve. Three months later, at her next crisis, she opens the third envelope. The message inside says. "Prepare three envelopes".

I ran into a couple of redundant ex BWB bank staff enjoying a day out walking the towpath between pubs. We shared a pint or three in the bar of the 'Old Gullible'.  However, with so much time on their hands they were thinking of returning to the fold and becoming CaRT volunteers. One of them said "If CaRT volunteers are not paid, its not because they are worthless, but because they are priceless." The other one proffered the sage advice "I think I know now why Robin Evens was paid £190,000 a year."

I can hear the grating of gears which is not bad for an automatic car. So I'm guessing that the Memsahib has returned from another shopping expedition.

Well I must run, toodle pip old boy.

Cap't Bob

"The events depicted in this series of letters are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental. No person should without the prior permission of the author assume the identity of any character. These letters are a story that could be based on actual events. In certain cases incidents, characters and timelines have been changed for dramatic purposes. Certain characters may be accidental composites, or entirely fictitious. I was helped in my creative endeavour by my friend's telepathic cat named Huxley. Huxley assumes all responsibility for any mistakes and errors."

No comments:

Post a Comment

Please put your name to your comment. Comments without a name may automatically be treated as spam and might not be included.

If you do not wish your comment to be published say so in your comment. If you have a tip or sensitive information you’d prefer to share anonymously, you may do so. I will delete the comment after reading.