Friday 7 June 2013

Letters not forgive

Dear Bill.

Not a great deal to report I'm afraid from the porthole on Nb Dulwich Dishwasher.

I've heard on the jungle drum that the brethren of the inner sanctum at CaRT have gotten their collective underwear into something of a tangled mess again. This time its over rendering emergency assistance. It seems that there are emergencies in the true sense of the word. Such as when CaRT run out of water in the cut near the Pound and Trifle. Then there are CaRT non emergencies such as when an old codger such as yourself falls in the drink, so to speak. I think its time to send the Memsahib down to sort it all out. 

Talking about sending in the shock troops, I'm told by a good source that the inner sanctum have unveiled a plaque to commemorate the role of the "Canals in Wartime." I'm not sure but maybe CaRT's war against the boaters might have come to an end. To be honest, I have not heard of an armistice being declared. So I suppose it could be a break in hostilities and a game of football is about to break out in no man's land between the trenches not un-adjacent to the Firkin and Punt. I bumped into your old friend "secret handshake" Rodney in the doorway of the Rat and Drainpipe. Rodders had imbibed a few port and lemons and was being assisted outside by the landlord. Rodders revealed to me that the plaque marks the start of a major oral history project. CaRT want to capture people’s personal stories and memories of the canals and rivers and record them for posterity in the national waterway archive. 

Thinking about what I have read on the bile and banter forums over the last few years. I think I know already what a few would have to offer for posterity. Especially on the pre war and post war (before and after Moore) history of the canals. Whilst I am sure that as a subject the Moore fiasco would make a very good topic for two minutes on Mastermind. It would take no mastermind to guess what might well happen if Mr Moore was to offer a potted history of his own. I have this worrying vision of the "Aural History" meets the "Titanic and Iceberg."

Talking about hand to hand fighting in the trenches. Looks like the legal battle with that Nigel Moore chap has bounced back from the courts once again. This time to bite very hard and create a decent sized hole in the seat of the combustible trousers as worn by certain of the inner sanctum. It's also made a significant financial dent in the fund for frittering. The combustible trouser hole was so big, apparently no one had the bare cheek to show up at the court, so to speak. Talking of significant embarrassing holes. I bumped into Snodgrass in the snug of the Lamb and Butcher as I was making my way home last night. Snodders was very whimsical about the lack of success of the CaRT fund to fill in one of the several canal breaches. The snod reckons in another millennia they might have gathered enough to buy a plastic collecting bucket.

Building upon the success of the breach fund, the towpath telegraph says that the CCers (canal chuggers) are about to be released upon an unsuspecting public once again. Now I know that I am a cynical old cove, but if a gang of professional chuggers could not draw in the punters. How are the inner sanctum going to do any better. I wonder if it will be the usual rerun of speculative investment meets dire consequences. It looks like Joe Public is leading life in the style of the Barclays Bankers. Apparently philanthropy begins at home these days. I just need to get the Memsahib to take that concept on board. However I was never more happy than when I heard in the tap room of the Lance and Boil, about the dearth of "friendly" philanthropic publicans. It seems that the expected droves of dosh givers, have almost as one, synchronized their failure to arrive, with their failure to give. So its been another epic fail to top up the coffee club and condiments fund. 

The Memsahib is due back anytime now and I need to get back up to speed. She has gone to that nice Mr Khan's corner shop. So it looks like its going to be curry again tonight. Khan has a special offer on, chateau "Pisse de chèvre" and "mega strength toilet roll." That will be the old wallet getting chugger mugged by you know who again.

Well I must run, toodle pip old boy.

Cap't Bob

"The events depicted in this series of letters are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental. No person should without the prior permission of the author assume the identity of any character. These letters are a story that could be based on actual events. In certain cases incidents, characters and timelines have been changed for dramatic purposes. Certain characters may be accidental composites, or entirely fictitious. I was helped in my creative endeavour by my friend's telepathic cat named Huxley. Huxley assumes all responsibility for any mistakes and errors."

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