Sunday, 11 November 2012

Boat Club "Rowing Blues"

The English language is filled with quirks that make it hard even for the English to understand. A case in question is when a boat is propelled with oars "row" and having a disagreement or "row." You can take the quirks even further. For instance the old school oxbridge "rowing blues" as an achievement of some merit. Then there is the infighting amongst boat club committee jobsworths who create "rowing blues" that have no merit at all. Then there is "Savile Row" where you can get a cheap suit made and the "Savile Row" that is the BBC attempt at a coverup.

Like Groucho Marx suggests, everyone should refuse to join any club that is prepared to accept them as a member. I am convinced that there is nothing better in this world for bringing out the worst in people and exposing their prejudices than a club committee. 

The old adage - you only get one chance to make a good first impression - is very true. I tend to judge character on face value. Its one of my more minor failings - but I have met some nice people on the cut who have looked at first sight to be even more grumpy than me. I have also met people who seem outwardly to be all - sweetness and light - who could have given Margaret Thatcher a hard time.

But, have no fear, for you scribe has discovered the secret - There is only one fail safe method of identifying these fire breathing monsters in an instant. Its that their ears and noses are often hairier than their head. The men folk fare no better either when it comes to the ear and nasal hair. 

I am convinced that as a subject matter, the boat club scenario would make an excellent fly on the wall series for Louis Theroux -  It could even be another winner for Peter Kay as a natural successor to the  "Arabian Nights" series.

When you meet one of the the fire breathing committee monsters. For some reason - they always seem to be loudly barking out their opinion and issuing edicts. Not only that, I am convinced that their menfolk are also deaf. Stature also seems to come into it - the smaller the bod the bigger the attitude problem. However, this rule is inversely proportional whenever the fairer sex is involved. You bring a group of people together and the first thing the little Fuhrer wants to do is - form a committee - and march on Poland. Not only that - guess who gets to use their nasal hair for a dapper little square moustache and to be the head honcho with a quiff.

"When Attila the Hen - met Ayatollah the Henpecked."

Boat Club Commode
Then when you decided  to question their motives - their brave spouses immediately start to quiver and look furtively around for a safe spot to exit the locality. You are then given the standard retort of the brow beater - don't you realise we are doing this for your benefit - Its only when you hear the singular "we" that you realise there must also be a further link to the Hun and a hidden doppelgänger is somehow involved.

Do you remember the time when as children all of our hard decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo". The doppelgänger or two in one also believe in making "eeny-meany-minority" decisions. 

The rest of the little inner sanctum are argued into line, if that fails then Attila the Hen will engineer a row.  Rowing is the bully's way of making the minions toe their line. It's the work of a moment to instigate a boisterous disturbance which can be escalated to a quarrel or even a brawl. The minions toe the line as they don't want to become the focus of Attila's attentions.

Hench Janet
The "committee of one" believes its a god given talent that they have. If you look into their past - they usually have a wide range of experience - by organising into near extinction the ever popular Golf and Macramé Club to the occasional Hells Angels event. 

But there is one very curios side effect - the committee of one, almost always attracts a henchwoman, usually called  either Egor or Janet.

The Egor or in newspeak "Hench Person" is there to argue into submission any detractors of their owners, master plan. With their smoke stained tooth and halitosis to die from. Sporting the latest in quants LBD (Little Black Dress) she's the queen of Attila's latrine.

No place is this worse than in one the more "salubrious" boat clubs. Where the "hoi polloi" strut their stuff. Hoi polloi, is often used by Attila the Hen and conservative ministers as an alternative in a derogatory sense, for the more usual plebs, the great unwashed, minions, the riff-raff, the herd, the proletariat, the peons, the under class. Just so the boat club members know their place.

Yes, this has all the makings of a nightly viewing alternative to Coronation Street.


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