Thursday, 28 April 2011


Sunday is a mind numbing waste of a day.

Surprise, shock, horror it's Sunday, the "day of rest". A day that could be spent messing around in the boat and enjoying some quality on the water time. Well, I say "day of rest", however in our household rest means rest of the week and Sunday is not a day for putting your feet up!! No Sunday is the day of traipsing around Homecare or Tesco. It's not even a day for going to visit some Victorian pile, because most of the stately homes round here have long ago been metamorphosed into rubble. The ones that still survive are little more than a damp antique warehouse for mildew. 

Gilbert parking
Sunday however is very good day for encountering that ancient bespectacled species universally known as a "Gilbert" or the dreaded "Sunday driver". With the steering wheel held in a white knuckle death grip, they tear off up the road at speeds approaching 20 mph.

Yes, the roads are full of the flat capped octogenarian kamikaze driver in a just washed and polished, turd brown, Austin Allegro.  Drivers with real fear in their eyes. Kamikaze who are being given real-time driving advice by an octogenarian Hyacinth Bucket look-a-like. No Steppenwolf "Born to be wild" driving style for them. They move along to the sounds and tempo of a selection of Victor Sylvester's greatest hits. Slow, slow, quick, quick slow!

So its not safe to go out for a blast on the motorbike, however there is an alternative to risking  life and limb and its called Sunday TV, the best sleeping draught since Nitrous Oxide. Whilst you might not be risking life and limb you certainly will be risking your sanity. The re-runs of re-runs from years ago. With a much younger George Cole playing "Arfur" in the 1979 series of "The Minder" or Kenneth Cope playing a ghost called Hopkirk from the 1969 series "Randall and Hopkirk Deceased

There is always a fall back to the Antiques Roadshow. No, I'm not on about the octogenarian kamikaze drivers. Do keep up! I am banging on about the television series where people bring along huge pieces of furniture that would better fill a large skip. Furniture of a size that modern buildings could not accept.

Some shirt and tie with Dick Emery teeth, then starts to eulogise on the the item and its rumpled legs. The craftsmanship of its loose fitting drawers and the distressed patina of its over watered plant pot marks.

In reality, all anyone is really interested in is - what its worth as an antique. Because its worth as an item of furniture is zilch.  The shirt, tie and teeth offers an opinion that it could be worth ten grand. Joe Public's mind starts to visualise that little red MG sports car and Jill Public's mind visualises the new walnut kitchen. So its a new kitchen then!

Nerd Punter
Then the specially selected nerd (a 12 pen shirt pocket type) turns up clutching a carrier bag with a collection of Georgian hub caps. The shirt, tie and teeth's eyes now glaze over and I feel that justice has been served, he has met his match. The nerd gives chapter and verse on each one of the four hundred pieces he has brought along as a representative selection from the his full collection.

The shirt, tie and teeth is starting to lose the will to live and comeuppance triumphs. But like the consummate professional shirt, tie and teeth tells the nerd that these items are the antiques of the future. In other words a load of trash unless you can last out another 200 years. The nerd succumbs to the urge to caress a hub cap as we fade to another punter with a selection of antique toner cartridges. Euthanasia certainly has a lot to offer.

Hannah Gorbals
So why did nature create Sunday, I think it was to ensure that one day in the week is worse than Monday and the daunting prospect of another working week. As for the back seat driver - Who needs a back-seat driver to nag them when we now have that annoying Hanna Gordon's voice on our satellite navigation system.

How long it will be before someone coins a negative term like "back seat driver" for our satellite navigation systems. How about satnag or spatnav maybe you could do better. 

Well I feel better for that!

PS. We finally made it down the Tinsley flight after five days lost due to the poor maintainance record of BW. I feel a stong letter to the goverment minister coming on - Lets see if he can acertain why the upkeep of this navigation is so lacking.

PPs Moored close to Wayward Spinner at Eastwood lock Rotherham.- Eastwood lock is broken down again. So this is the third lock that we have become stuck at. Swinton - Tinsley 11, Eastwood and we are still counting.

More Later.....

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