Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Not the nine o'clock news.

Police chase ends in capture.
An eight-day police chase across two counties ended peacefully when a suspected canal barge thief was cornered in a canal basin near Wolverhampton. Read more here.

Revolutionary weight loss program requires no calorie counting or exercise.
A revolutionary new diet has been revealed by the Science Department at Weightlookers that allows people to burn extra calories without increasing their exercise amount. Crucially, this diet works better the more that you weigh. Read more here.

New Private Prison Announces 3,000 Openings.
A press release issued by Big House Enterprises yesterday announced the private prison company is looking to take on 3,000 men to serve as inmates at its newest facility, due to open this Summer. According to the release, the positions will offer generous compensation packages that include fully subsidized housing, food, health benefits and access to recreational facilities – a godsend for an area suffering a lack of job opportunities and affordable housing since the recent economic downturn. Read more here.

Metropolitan Police introduce dress-down Fridays.
The Metropolitan Police Service has finally recognised the changing nature of the modern workplace and begun allowing officers to mark the end of the working week by wearing civilian clothes on a Friday. Read more here.

Two Vicars Charged In Fake Marriage Furore.
Two Church of England vicars have been charged after allegedly conducting hundreds of mock marriages intended to aid illegal immigrants defy immigration legislation and remain in Britain. Read more here.

Underground drug ring busted in Hyde Park nursing home.
The popular multi-vitamin Centrum Silver that contains over thirty essential vitamins and minerals has become the drug of choice at the Marjorie Lee Nursing Home in Hyde Park. Read more here.

Boffin rushed in by Police to explain new speeding rules.
Police forces have called in an Oxford don to explain the new speeding guidelines. Read more here.

Five a day is not enough
Nutritionists working for the Government's Ministry of Health and Safety have announced that the current recommendation of five portions of fruit and veg a day is not enough and it should be raised to eight or nine a day. Read more here.


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