The night before Christmas.

As we are now starting to enter the chaos that is the Christmas season - A time of good will towards all men. The canals according to BW have never been in a better state. I wish I had a set of those rose tinted glasses. So I decided that as its a time of good cheer - I wondered who within the top echelon at Ivory Towers was most cheered of all.

A parody based upon Clement Clarke Moore's "A Visit from St. Nicholas"

More popularly known as "The Night Before Christmas".

A visit from St Robin of the British Waterways Board.

T'was the night before Christmas, I'm stood on the deck;

I'm trying to moor on a canal, that’s a wreck;

Who was it brought us, into this perilous state;

Robin the rich, and his BW board full of mates.

Robin's on a good earner, for that I can see;

Some of his money, comes from thee and me;

His large bonus cheque, for a task easily done;

A bonus for the workers, you're joking my son.


The PM's a pauper, he's only 142k pay;

Robin gets 322k, but he's worth it he says;

A broad grin is his, for that seems the case;

No wonder the smile, seems fixed to his face.

More money is needed, to bolster their claim;

Bonus and extras, is the name of their game;

Pay cuts for the staff,  all need to save;

Except at board level, the directors all crave.

Its volunteer workers, to replace redundant staff;

Robin and his cronies are enjoying a good laugh;

The future of the staff, they have no notion;

Board don't understand, what's all this commotion.

New little helpers learning about canal locks;

Sentenced to help, just released from the dock;

Judges and Magistrates for they are no fools;

Know a hammer and jemmy, are their favourite tools.

To work in the community, their sentence quite clear;

Do the BW staff jobs, or you're inside for a year;

Banks left eroding, the helpers looking perplexed;

Just like the board, no idea what to do next.

All requests for information, are expressly forbidden;

For Robin and his cohorts, it's better off hidden;

Fiasco to fiasco, the third way now quite clear;

Lock gates to be left leaking, for many a year.

Bridges are broken, repairs are a farce;

Maintenance planning, done by donkeys and ass;

Towpath broken, their promises the same;

Robin the rich, will sidestep the blame.

Weasel words oft used, to embellish a half truth;

More bluster and statement, our thoughts to sooth;

But there's nothing of merit; for that is their way;

Snouts thrust into the trough, hip-pip-hooray.

Another price hike of the licence, for that is their way;

Their hands in your pocket; like in Fagin's day;

For the boat owner, the outlook is looking quite bleak;

The government cuts will make BW ever more weak.

Moorings on ebay, or that's what is seems;

Pound length left empty, like dried up streams;

The future is bleaker, the board's not prepared;

The paddles all broken, and left un-repaired.

To manage a Quango, what's the usual reward;

A trip to the palace, and a tap by the sword;

Arise up sir Robin, sir Robin the rich;

A man rewarded for, not maintaining the ditch.

Later elevated to a peerage, a lord of the realm;

For trashing the business, whilst stood at the helm;

More bollards are needed, is their clarion call;

Now put up and shut up, merry Christmas to all.

Pass the port Rodney, now there's a good fellow;

Don't eat the snow, well the stuff that's all yellow;

Champagne and caviar, canopies and wine;

The BW board know, how to have a good time.

Directors in their party hats, looking all hail and hearty;

Drinking and dining, at the board Christmas party;

The food they gobbled, the whiskey a taste;

All of the troughing, had gone to their waist.

Their giddy and foolish, they had drunk a case;

Shouting and screaming, all off their face;

the worker outside watching, his nose to the glass;

As burps, farts and belches, highlight their class.

Now as the party reverie dies, and draws to a close;

To the workers, its raspberries and thumb to their nose;

The thoughts of their big pensions, come with never a tear;

To celebrate once more, another big bonus next year.

On behalf of the board of British Waterways, I would like to wish myself, a very merry Christmas and yet another prosperous new year. To the workforce at British Waterways undergoing re-organisation or job cutting. Better luck next time. To the new model army of volunteers I would like to welcome you into the quango. Please submit the required £50 non refundable deposit for the loan of tools. You can collect your pick and shovel on the way out.

Your friend, but mostly mine.

Robin the rich.

Pip Pip Plebs!