Wednesday, 17 November 2010

The night before Christmas.

As we are now starting to enter the chaos that is the Christmas season - A time of good will towards all men. The canals according to BW have never been in a better state. I wish I had a set of those rose tinted glasses. So I decided that as its a time of good cheer - I wondered who within the top echelon at Ivory Towers was most cheered of all.

A parody based upon Clement Clarke Moore's "A Visit from St. Nicholas"
More popularly known as "The Night Before Christmas".

A visit from St Robin of the British Waterways Board.

T'was the night before Christmas, I'm stood on the deck;
I'm trying to moor on a canal, that’s a wreck;
Who was it brought us, into this perilous state;
Robin the rich, and his BW board full of mates.

Robin's on a good earner, for that I can see;
Some of his money, comes from thee and me;
His large bonus cheque, for a task easily done;
A bonus for the workers, you're joking my son.

The PM's a pauper, he's only 142k pay;
Robin gets 322k, but he's worth it he says;
A broad grin is his, for that seems the case;
No wonder the smile, seems fixed to his face.

More money is needed, to bolster their claim;
Bonus and extras, is the name of their game;
Pay cuts for the staff,  all need to save;
Except at board level, the directors all crave.

Its volunteer workers, to replace redundant staff;
Robin and his cronies are enjoying a good laugh;
The future of the staff, they have no notion;
Board don't understand, what's all this commotion.

New little helpers learning about canal locks;
Sentenced to help, just released from the dock;
Judges and Magistrates for they are no fools;
Know a hammer and jemmy, are their favourite tools.

To work in the community, their sentence quite clear;
Do the BW staff jobs, or you're inside for a year;
Banks left eroding, the helpers looking perplexed;
Just like the board, no idea what to do next.

All requests for information, are expressly forbidden;
For Robin and his cohorts, it's better off hidden;
Fiasco to fiasco, the third way now quite clear;
Lock gates to be left leaking, for many a year.

Bridges are broken, repairs are a farce;
Maintenance planning, done by donkeys and ass;
Towpath broken, their promises the same;
Robin the rich, will sidestep the blame.

Weasel words oft used, to embellish a half truth;
More bluster and statement, our thoughts to sooth;
But there's nothing of merit; for that is their way;
Snouts thrust into the trough, hip-pip-hooray.

Another price hike of the licence, for that is their way;
Their hands in your pocket; like in Fagin's day;
For the boat owner, the outlook is looking quite bleak;
The government cuts will make BW ever more weak.

Moorings on ebay, or that's what is seems;
Pound length left empty, like dried up streams;
The future is bleaker, the board's not prepared;
The paddles all broken, and left un-repaired.

To manage a Quango, what's the usual reward;
A trip to the palace, and a tap by the sword;
Arise up sir Robin, sir Robin the rich;
A man rewarded for, not maintaining the ditch.

Later elevated to a peerage, a lord of the realm;
For trashing the business, whilst stood at the helm;
More bollards are needed, is their clarion call;
Now put up and shut up, merry Christmas to all.

Pass the port Rodney, now there's a good fellow;
Don't eat the snow, well the stuff that's all yellow;
Champagne and caviar, canopies and wine;
The BW board know, how to have a good time.

Directors in their party hats, looking all hail and hearty;
Drinking and dining, at the board Christmas party;
The food they gobbled, the whiskey a taste;
All of the troughing, had gone to their waist.

Their giddy and foolish, they had drunk a case;
Shouting and screaming, all off their face;
the worker outside watching, his nose to the glass;
As burps, farts and belches, highlight their class.

Now as the party reverie dies, and draws to a close;
To the workers, its raspberries and thumb to their nose;
The thoughts of their big pensions, come with never a tear;
To celebrate once more, another big bonus next year.

On behalf of the board of British Waterways, I would like to wish myself, a very merry Christmas and yet another prosperous new year. To the workforce at British Waterways undergoing re-organisation or job cutting. Better luck next time. To the new model army of volunteers I would like to welcome you into the quango. Please submit the required £50 non refundable deposit for the loan of tools. You can collect your pick and shovel on the way out.

Your friend, but mostly mine.

Robin the rich.

Pip Pip Plebs!

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