Thursday, 14 April 2016

CaRT Drowning in Friends Donations.

Charity Becomes Trapped in its Own Wealth

By Our Reporter on April 14, 2016
Starting with a base of 300 million visitors in 2013. Which jumped to 360 million by 2014. The current figure of visitors to the towpaths in the last year. is now a staggering 385,000,000! This equates to exactly 527 visitors every day to every mile of the trusts waterway!
Tragedy struck when the Canal and River Trust suddenly found that it had become trapped in a mire of its own wealth, with no possible means of escape. The rudderless CaRT creative accountancy apparatchiks now report that all of the 385,000,000! visitors have been posthumously recruited as friends. Now it seems that CaRT has fallen victim to the success of its own band of Towpath Chuggers.
However, all is not lost and the beleaguered Truss is trying a number of new tactics in order to escape from the cloying, claustrophobic horrors of having several humongous piles of unwanted cash. 'We simply do not have time to spend the money on any remedial work on the canal infrastructure. Because we are still far to busy counting the incoming tsunami of donations.' said Mr Knob a truss spokesperson. 
The government and especially Defra have however, not been blind to the savage strictures created by the accountancy workload for the truss.  'I understand the problem that the Truss is experiencing. As someone who was born into poverty and has lived an exceptionally underprivileged life. I also found myself trapped in wealth after I inherited even more money from my father’s estate.' said David Cameron.

It should be remembered that David Cameron still has shit loads of money holding him prisoner in his own rented out mansion. Now forced to live by circumstances not in his second or third home. He is now slumming it at Downing street. It is a hopeless situation. 'I am becoming desperate – I guess only those grubby Oiks who have to use food banks, can really appreciate my plight.' he said. 
The Truss revealed that it has recently invested some of the loose change from the public donations in 'Bootsmiths' to help speed up the legal hoop jumping before it could finish the final solution in the cleansing of the inland waterways.  

In an amazing coincidence Mr Cameron continued to highlight problems he shared with the Truss. 'Poor people just don’t know how lucky they are. Impossibly rich people like me – who don’t even have to do a days work – are treated like minorities. It’s not easy being rich and privileged. Why only last week I had to evict 35 families from the homes that they rented from my late father’s company. I increased their rental by 280% and they couldn’t pay! It was horrible – I actually had to speak to some irate poor people – imagine that?'

Our reporter suggested that if Mr Cameron were to pay some tax on his fortune, it might relieve him of some of his financial burden. 'Tax? that’s that thing working people have to pay isn’t it? My accountant in Panama deals with all my tax affairs and they are a private matter' he replied.

Our reporter then proposed that Mr Cameron should donate some money to the CaRT charity or did some voluntary work along the canal. 'Work, Good Lord no! Now get the fuck off my land, before I set the dogs on you.' he said.

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