Sunday 15 September 2013

Charwoman of the Bored

Dear Bill.

Not a great deal to report I'm afraid from the back deck on Nb Dulwich Dishwasher.

Well today I had a bit of a run in with the Memsahib. She claims that I am spending far to much time in the various pubs along the high street.  She says that if I'm not careful I might turn into a alcoholic. But as usual she is wrong, I don't agree with her diagnosis of alcoholism. In fact I admit that I do have something of a problem and its Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I just can't stop drinking a few noggins of the wobbly liquid of a night.

I bumped into Digby Snopes (trustee with oversight) in the snug of the 'Knocker and Knob'. He was in deep conversation with a group of boaters and talking about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, it looks like there might be a chronic case or two in the CaRT inner sanctum. It seems that Mrs Antonia 'tonker' Pailes the current charwoman of the bored. Is looking to be elected once more. That should drop the share price through the floor.

Mr Khan down at the corner shop and chandlery told me that the inland revenue has just sent back his tax return. He was a bit mystified as to why. Question 4 on the return asked if Khan had any dependants. He had filled in the answer as best he could. He started with the 2.1 million illegal immigrants, then the 1.1 million drug addicts. He added the 1.6 million unemployed and the 900,000 prisoners in 85 prisons. He correctly identified the 650 idiots in British parliament, plus the cowboys known as the 'deadwood' directors of the Canal and River Trust. It seems that the problem with the tax return was that he added the 1,790 idiots in the European parliament. It seems that the European parliament don't count.

I could not believe my ears when I heard all the swearing. It was in the Taj Mahal when I bumped into Jessie Coalhouse, the Cinque Marina Manager. She had drunk a large glass of Khan's Chateau 'Spin et de vomi' wine with her tinderloo curry. She was playing around with her smartphone and being her usual grumpy self. It seems she had put a holiday photograph of herself in a swimsuit on her facebook page. The first one to make a friend request was weight watchers!

I was having a walk round the marina when I bumped into Angus McCoatup he is the local meths street philosopher. He started to tell me a story about the quality of a couple of new graduates taken on by the CaRT Inner Sanctum Engineering defectorate. The first graduate turned up to work on a very expensive bike. The second graduate making polite conversation asked him where he had gotten the bike from. 

The first graduate told him that he was walking along the towpath when he spotted a very beautiful and voluptuous young lady thrashing about in the canal. It seems she had been riding her bike along the towpath, when the front wheel hit a hole and she was catapulted over the handlebars head first into the water. He had helped her out of the canal and she had removed all her wet clothing. She offered with a glint in her eye, her thanks for saving her life. She threw her arms wide and said he could have anything he wanted. So he chose the bike. 'Good choice' said the other new graduate. The ladies clothes were wet and might not have fitted anyway. 

The moral of the story is, according to trustee Doris Drain. The first graduate will have to be disciplined because he was not following CaRT Health and Safety policy.  CaRT will then have to train them into wearing their life vests at all times. Then they will both be instructed on how to complete a short 40 page health and safety questionnaire. Before placing themselves at any risk by rendering assistance in the rescue of someone from the water.

I understand that there are also two new graduates starting work next week in the Inner Sanctum back orifice staff. Apparently one of them wants find out how to licence a pedalo.

Well I must run, toodle pip old boy.

Cap't Bob

"The events depicted in this series of letters are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental. No person should without the prior permission of the author assume the identity of any character. These letters are a story that could be based on actual events. In certain cases incidents, characters and timelines have been changed for dramatic purposes. Certain characters may be accidental composites, or entirely fictitious. I was helped in my creative endeavour by my friend's telepathic cat named Huxley. Huxley assumes all responsibility for any mistakes and errors."

No comments:

Post a Comment

Please put your name to your comment. Comments without a name may automatically be treated as spam and might not be included.

If you do not wish your comment to be published say so in your comment. If you have a tip or sensitive information you’d prefer to share anonymously, you may do so. I will delete the comment after reading.