Friday 12 July 2013

Canal and Cadaver

Dear Bill.

Not a great deal of sensible stuff to report from the porthole on Nb Dulwich Dishwasher.

I read a story in the Daily Bugle over my morning Tia Maria and toast. That singer woman, Madonna what's her face. You know the one with the accordion breasts. Well apparently she moved over here to become more 'English.' Well as a single mother with three kids, living in a house with half a dozen spare bedrooms, all ripe for tax. She certainly fills the governments bill.

Well, the new CaRT boss must have arrived on the crash and burn scene that is the inner sanctum. On looking around he must be stunned by the depth and breadth of crazy CaRT projects. It seems a pity that a charity with a multitude of ideas on what to waste money on. No one has come up wit the idea of wasting money on preventative maintenance.

Its that time of the year and the AGM season will soon be upon us. I'm reliably told that this time the venue is going to be sponsored and manned by British Airways staff. In the expectation of a rough ride, the trolley dollies will be handing out sick bags at the door. 

I see that the DEFRA under minister of state Asa Haggard-Luke has put the proverbial size 14 into the desires of the inner sanctum  The Christmas shopping list of various bits of the EA the trust wanted to pick off is now no more. You will remember old 'hagster' he also went to Eton but that has not been a detriment to him having a long and tiresome career. Good old hagster is a bit of a vocal critic of the trust, which he regards as being anti-democratic, economically unworkable and destructive of the historic inland waterways. Hagster was destined for great things. It all started when he was a special adviser to Sir Rupert Forte the Secretary of State for paper clips.

This week the CaRT inner sanctum are demonstrating their street culture and youth credibility. I see them in my minds eye, with cans of spray paint and a pocket full of indelible marker pens. The 'CaRT Wrecking Krew' of ageing hippy's can go out and post their tag's. Doing their own graffiti 'street art' after all its the 'Yoof, fing init', with their baseball hard hats on back to front and plenty of bum cleavage hanging out of their low slung, oversized, day glow CaRT issue chino pants. There going to be out there doing it on the banksy of our canals.

The CaRT inner sanctum have brought us 'The Canals Project.' Where street art on the waterways will bring together established artists from the global street art scene to create major new public works in selected locations along east London canals.

Heritage Art
Now this is in reality crap speak for encouraging even more canal side graffiti. As even more of the money that is needed for essential maintenance is poured down the drain. Under the guise of 'patronising the trendy art lovers' and demonstrating their ability to hook up with the younger members of society.

After all, if you can't beat the graffiti gangs you can always legitimise it as 'canal art' and waste thousands of pounds in supporting it. After all, graffiti this 'street art' is in keeping with the 200 year old heritage, CaRT are supposed to be protecting.

So I have enlisted the help of the Memsahib and we are going to get a 'boaters tagging crew' of our own organised. Then we can get them to call round the homes of the CaRT trustees and directors. 

After all, its only fair for boat owners to do something in returning the favour and flavour of art they have bestowed upon our canals. 

In recognition of their inspiration, the boaters tagging crew can improve their properties by 'creating major new public works' with a few canal inspired works of the 'global street art scene.' I enclose a sample design of appropriate 'street art' for the ivory towers toilets.

The wonderful and entrepreneurial Mr Khan in his corner shop has a new special offer on this week. It's a vegetarian chicken pie, apparently it's made with eggs. He has combined this with a very potent German red wine called "Schloss Machen Sie Verr├╝ckt Wein" After the troops had a Steiner or three of this, I can understand their need to march on Poland. With a delicate bouquet and a lingering hint of 'meths and turps.' Certainly wakes you up in a morning and like the liver salts of old, gets you on the move so to speak.

Well it was games night down at the tap room of the 'Canal and Cadaver'. Snodgrass was in there as usual. The old lecherous devil was eyeing up the ladies 'Arm Wrestling' team. Apparently 'gripper' from the marina was in there. She was cracking walnuts behind her knee's to pass the time. The team performed well, they managed to break a few bones and records for the number of visitors they could cram in one ambulance. The Memsahib was unavailable due to work commitments for the event. So the team had to roll out a ringer called Mrs Capes. I thought the beard might be a bit of a give-away. However as most of the Canal and Cadaver ladies arm wrestling team also have a beard, no one even noticed. 

The Memsahib is due back at any moment. I promised to have her tea ready for when she arrived back home. She has a new job at Robin Hood airport, kick-starting the jumbo jets. 

Well I must run, toodle pip old boy.

Cap't Bob

"The events depicted in this series of letters are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental. No person should without the prior permission of the author assume the identity of any character. These letters are a story that could be based on actual events. In certain cases incidents, characters and timelines have been changed for dramatic purposes. Certain characters may be accidental composites, or entirely fictitious. I was helped in my creative endeavour by my friend's telepathic cat named Huxley. Huxley assumes all responsibility for any mistakes and errors."

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